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So I was watching this show called Apocalypse Man. I also did a story on it here. If you’ve been around here for awhile, you know I love me some apocalypse. It’s probably because I hate my job. “Ummm… the world blew up last night. Do we have to come in today? I’m thinking not.”

It will be like a snow day, but instead of snow it will be volcanic ash. It’s like snow without the cold. Isn’t that better? We’ll see (I hope).

So here’s the problem according to Apocalypse Man and every apocalyptic re-enactment ever made: Us. People. When we start running out of resources, we’re going to start killing each other for our stuff. Your biggest problem is you. That’s going to be tough to avoid.

So which person will you be? Will you be the one in the group of roving survivors who shares equally and bands together to form a productive and crime-free society? Or will you become something more sinister? Will the animal in you take over when it comes time for “survival of the fittest”?

For me, I guess it depends. For instance, if it’s a robocalypse, I’m siding with the robots. I’ve been clear on this issue. This shouldn’t surprise anyone. If it’s zombies, I might hit some with a stick for awhile until I get bored. Then I’m going to let one bite me, because while zombies appear grotesque to us, to other zombies, they’re completely normal. Even attractive. “Hey Bob, is that your intestine coming out of your ribs? That looks fantastic. Is that new? Looks new.”

So let’s take a walk into this fantasy-realm for a second and assume (incorrectly) that the end of days will have no zombies or killer robots (bullshit). Let’s just say it’s a natural disaster of some kind, like a giant robot hurricane or a massive zombie flood. In this fantastical world of wizardry and magic, who will you be? Will you be my enemy, or will you be my friend?

I guess I should probably answer first. Who will I be? I’ve given this a lot of thought. I mean, do I even want to live in a world where people are killing one another for water and bits of metal? Do I really want to survive the end, only to live in a hate-fueled existence for no other reason than survival itself? Do I want to defend a gallon of gas with my life or kill someone for it? Will I compromise everything I know to be right and decent simply to sustain my own breath?

I’d like to think I’d be the lone-wolf survivor, driving a bad-ass car, shotgun in hand, loyal dog at my side, moving from town to town, bartering for my necessities and bedding cheap, apocalyptic women. The drifter who lives by his own code. He trusts or fears no one, but in his heart, he is decent and good.

Yes. This is who I would like to be, for sure. But in all likelihood, I’ll probably more resemble this:

Or

And if I was a midget

So now you know. Join me. Be my apocalyptic bitch. We’re going to have all the cool stuff, I’ll make sure of it. Be a part of the winning team. After all, you’ve lived through whatever judgment has befallen you. You made it. Why make it harder on yourself? See you on the other side. Don’t make me crossbow you. I’ll do it.

I’ve been known to be competitive.  I don’t like to lose.  So when UndomesticDiva started talking trash about what a great cake decorator she is, I had to chime in.  Smack talk led to smack talk and eventually a throwdown was discussed.  For the record, I didn’t get to choose the theme: Mario Brothers.  But, I rose to the challenge, figured out the fondant thing and put my best effort forward.  The video below shows the process.  The first minute is me talking about the cake and then… 3 and a half minutes of cake making - at lightning speed.  Skip to the 4:30 mark to see the end product.  And all I ask is, when deciding which cake is best, notice my integration of technology.  Yes, that’s an iTouch with Mario Brothers games being played on it.  Leave who you think is better in the comments section. (Check out her cake here.)   This isn’t about any tangible prize - just pride.  Lots of pride.

It’s such a minor thing, really. All I did was swap out one background image for another. Oh, and I tweaked a few color settings.

Caroline, in her purple pajamas, with the purple peep, is there for a reason. So it’s still there. Probably always will be.

Anyway, it was time. For me.

The kids and I are flipping through the channels on a lazy Saturday afternoon at Evans World Headquarters, looking for something—anything—that might captivate our attention. My daughter doesn’t want to watch hockey. My son doesn’t want to watch cartoons. And I most certainly don’t want to watch yet another episode of Full House.

So we flip. Flip, flip, flip. And then:

“Ooooooh,” my son says, “Toddlers and Tiaras!”

“Yeah!” his sister says.

My knowledge of this show is minimal. I know only that it’s a reality show about kids who dress up for beauty pageants. I’m intrigued, so we keep the show on and watch for twenty minutes or so, at which point I am utterly disgusted and I demand we watch something more…I don’t know…sane.

It occurs to me more and more that the popularity of reality television is born of the fact that we like to watch mental illness on display. Perhaps it makes us feel better about ourselves to see others flail and embarrass themselves so resoundingly. Maybe our own imperfections seem insignificant in the light of mothers who dress their five-year-old daughters like sluts and people whose homes become overrun with trash and troubled young people who try out for singing competitions and are put on the air only because they are so completely out of touch with reality that they don’t know how badly they are embarrassing themselves in the process.

In so many cases—Hoarders, Intervention, Toddlers and Tiaras, The Real Housewives, and so on—so-called reality TV is merely a glitzed-up showcase through which we can watch people suffer through and struggle with genuine mental shortcomings. Is that entertainment? What if the diseases were more “conventional” and visible, like cancer or ALS? Wouldn’t we be collectively appalled if someone turned that kind of illness into a reality TV show? Naturally. So is our willingness to watch and be entertained mental illness a product of our ignorance of the subject? Or is it our need to feel smarter and more “whole” than our peers?

At least with Intervention and Hoarders, the premise of the shows is to intervene on the illness and try to help the subject get treatment. There’s some humanity there. But with this Toddlers and Tiaras nightmare, there seems to be a more callous intention. “Look at this crazy motherfucker! Look at her! Thank god WE’RE not that crazy.”

In truth, maybe we ARE that crazy. We're just not proving it on TV.

If you are visiting from Undomesticdiva expecting to see cake, well I hate to disappoint you but it’s gonna take me a few more hours to get this darn video uploaded.  So, check back later. At the very least, the video promises to show me moving at breakneck speed.  Which should be good for… nothing.  Oh well.

Last night I was over at Britt's for a Super Bowl party. During the six or so hours I was there, I may have inadvertently watched two or three minutes of actual football. And other than that Google ad (awwwww), I didn't really see much worth getting excited over.

So I thought I'd write a little message to NFL about ways to try to spice up the Super Bowl for those of us who don't watch football but still go to Super Bowl parties.

Dear National Football League Super Bowl Rule Guys,

While it's fun and all to watch people chase each other around on a big field and cheer for half of them because they're wearing a different color than the rest, maybe there's a way to make it even more exciting! I would suggest adding one of the following options to the game:

• Football/live grenade switcheroo every four downs.
• Quarterback gets to have sex with the wives of the entire defensive line every time he throws a completed pass.
• In the fourth quarter, snow machines are turned on and everyone plays in skis.
• Ninjas.
• Instead of throwing penalty flags, refs get to give the offending player a wedgie.
• Grandstanding and showboating are sniperable offenses.
• Script the game, just like wrestling. Bring back Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
• Losing team has to get real jobs

If you could listen to me and the millions of other people out there who don't live vicariously through a team of random people because they are currently being paid a ridiculous salary to stay in some geographic location that resonates with us, and make a few of these changes, I'd really appreciate it!

Love and kisses,

Adam Heath Avitable

With the big VD just one week away, its time to start scrambling to find that perfect gift for your sweetie besides VD.

I’ll be honest, I despise Valentine’s Day. Not just because I’m a guy either. I think it’s a silly manufactured “holiday” designed just to sell candy, cards, and flowers. Really, what person in a serious relationship wants any of those cliche’ gift items from their significant other? As adults, I think we need to drop the business and let the kids keep it.

I guess jewelry is OK, but if you buy jewelry for gifts you’re probably still paying off the Christmas gift you gave just a few weeks ago. Or you bought something to save until now. Where’s the love in a gift like that?

Aren’t you supposed to show your person you love them every day? Why fight the battles for a dinner reservation when you could pick any other night and not have the place so crazy and busy? Enjoy a quiet night out any other day instead of this silly one. Don’t let corporate America tell you how to tell someone you love them. If you make this holiday special as part of some tradition for yourself, then knock yourself out.  Just do it with style and not cliche.

With 2 little girls, of course I’ll play it up with them because with kids, its fun. For my wife, I hope she’s not expecting any significant gift. Sorry dear, but I give you all the love I got every day and I really can’t give you much more without putting us more in debt. All I want in return is the same. I want to spend a Sunday with my family doing normal family things. If I get a smile, a hug, and some giggles, that would be a perfect day.

However, if you DO feel the need to purchase someone a gift, allow me to offer up an idea. Here is something for him and her. Probably a good idea for that busy traveler families.I present the very real girlfriend/boyfriend pillows. Guaranteed for that perfect WTF? moment upon reception!

Today's a tough day for a friend because it's the anniversary of her wedding to her ex-husband. In addition, she's been in a period of transition recently, packing up her belongings to move back to California after spending some time here in Florida. It's understandable that today will bring up sad memories for Hilly, but I think we can do something to change that.

Let's declare today, February 7th, "Hilly Love Day", and everybody take a second out of your busy Sunday schedule to do one or more of the following:

1. Leave a comment on this post
2. Post on her Facebook wall
3. Send her a tweet
4. If you have her cell number, send her a text.

What should you say? How about "Happy Hilly Love Day!" or "Hilly is awesome" or "I PPH Hilly" or "Hilly makes me feel funny in my pants". Any of these ideas, or anything you can think of on your own, is acceptable.

Let's spread the love and give Hilly something positive to think of on next February 7th!

(Oh, and while you're leaving positive, happy messages, today is the birthday of Jessica, aka Black Belt Mama! Happy birthday, Jessica!)

If you've been paying attention to the news at all, you might have seen the conflict between Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Apparently, Sarah Palin demanded that President Obama fire his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, after it was reported that Emanuel said "fucking retarded" in a private meeting. She considered any version of the use of the word "retard" to be disrespectful.

Separately, Rush Limbaugh grew frustrated with protests around Emanuel's use of "retard", saying "our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards."

Now, you see, we have the bloated, drug addicted face and voice of the Republican Party butting heads with Alaska's biggest disaster since the Exxon Valdez crash. How will those Republicans who follow Fox News blindly know who to listen to? Should they go rogue or hope Obama fails? Which is it? This could break the Republican Party in half!

Luckily, Sarah Palin had a solution. I've obtained an exclusive look at the email she wrote to Rush to try to defuse the entire situation.

"Dear Rush,

I think we can both agree that it is in the best interest of this great country of ours to come to an agreement. I do have a problem with the word "retard", but I suggest as a compromise that the word "tard" is more acceptable because it has fewer letters. It also has a bit of a cutesy tone to it, and Toddy says that I do well with cutesy.

So if you would be willing to redirect your anger about people protesting Emanuel's statement, I won't worry about my little tard having his feelings hurt. This is for the greater good, remember, and no matter what, we have to compromise whatever principles we have to make sure that nigger doesn't get another term.

Love and winks,
Sarah."

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In other Avita-news, today is the 38th birthday of my good friend and Geekette Supreme, Heather! She doesn't look a day over 25, especially when she's in uniform. Happy birthday, Heather!

So last week my oldest daughter’s school they had a read with your bear thing. The kids got to bring in a teddy bear and read a story with it. My daughter forgot a bear that day but was told she could do so again a few days later. Since that moment last week, she’s had a new best friend. This bear comes and goes with her everywhere now including bed.They have become inseparable.

See…

Seems normal right? Well there’s something you can’t hear from this picture. This bear has one of those little button thingy doo-hickies in it that plays a sound when you press it. Instead of a ferocious roar though, this was a record your own. On it is something that is odd and a little tough for me to hear. It is a recording of my parents saying I love you to their grand child. Both parents. My Dad’s voice is there and it was done about a year before he died. So I am thankful the battery, or whatever keeps it going, still works because 5 years later it is still very clear. I can hear the total joy in his voice as he says his 2 lines before my mom says hers. Lately, I’ve been hearing it quite a lot too. She plays it a lot and each time I hear it, I miss my Dad. I don’t now how long it will last and I’ll be paranoid to change the batteries in case the recording lives because of the batteries. Her sister has a bear too, but alas, only her grandma can be heard on it.

She loves to listen to it. A lot.

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Sorry to all you blizzard snow storm folks. It only rained here a lot for about 2 hours today. Hard to have snow when its 75 degrees F outside!

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Three days ago I got an email informing Mr. Ben Folds will be bringing his “Ben Folds and his piano” show here to my hometown next month. If you’ve been here for a while you’ll know I absolutely LOVE Mr. Folds. What’s even cooler than that is a REALLY old friend/neighbor from junior high found and connected with me on Facebook about a month ago. I heard a rumor she worked at the same venue as Mr. Folds and I asked if she could get me to meet him. No word on that yet, but she came through in as big a way as possible. She reserved tickets for myself, my wife, my best friend, and his girlfriend to sit in the very small reserved seating area of the venue gratis. Totally unnecessary but yet completely appreciated.

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Last night I got to go see my team in person. I only get 2 chances per year and this year was the first in a while I got to go to both games. This was a weeknight, so the kids stayed home and my brother in law joined me. It was a good guys night out and we had fun aside from my team losing their 6th in a row. What was really cool, besides our 4th row seats for $43 was what happened after the pre-game warm-up. I always like to be there for the pre-game skate and hang out next to the glass and take cool pictures and see the players up close. As it was ending, one of my team’s players, Bruno Gervais(#8) motioned to me from the ice and then proceeded to pass me a puck over the glass. Cool.