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It’s so funny I joked about getting fired in my last post and I got fired. I’ve never been unemployed for too long and this time will be no different.  I find myself relieved, actually. And the first official day has already been amazing.  I was up at 6:15, ready to attack the day with the vigor of no less than seventeen hyper 12 year olds. I’m owning this day.

I hopped on twitter, told Wednesday it was going to be my bitch, shut my computer, leapt from my chair, tripped on my computer chord and fell right on my face.  “I am no bitch,” says Wednesday.  Fine, so let’s just agree that neither of us are bitches (that thing where you tripped me was a nice move), shake hands and call it even.  Let’s work together to make Tuesday jealous of your awesome.  Because Tuesday totally phoned it in.  I’m on your team, Wednesday.  

Ok, so unemployed.  I’ve reached a point in my life where if you call me to yell at me, I’m going to hate you and probably say something like, “oh you must have confused me for fuck you” and then hang up the phone. Just did it last week, as a matter of fact.  I may have tossed in “dickhead”, but I can’t be 100% sure it could be identified while swimming in a lake of obscenities.  It was a bad move on my part and the most awesome thing that’s ever happened to me. Losing my job and that incident might be related, but no one can be too sure. 

I’ve never been one to take shit and while I suppressed that for years for the sake of business, I’ve made a decision that just because someone pays me, that doesn’t give them the right to be an asshole or treat me with disrepect.  So, fuck ‘em. From now on, I’m only dealing with nice people.  That’s my new rule.  Assholes and their money can blow me. (If they can find the box I live in.)

I’ve been in advertising for the last 14 years.  Promotional advertising.  So when you see the “up to 50%” off and “Sale ends soon” and “Biggest sale ever” that’s not?  That was me.  Sorry. I was totally fucking with you.  And I’m completely fed up with it and do truly apologize for my role in it.

Many don’t know this about me, but I’ve owned a couple of businesses and they did okay. So, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to open an asshole and liar-free business.  If you’re an asshole, I don’t want your money. If I have to trick people, I don’t want your money. You can go somewhere else, but you won’t get the quality and service you’ll get at Mayo Pie Products and Services and Stuff.

So my goal is to figure out exactly what it is you need, and then have you give me all of your money for it.  It’s only the first day, but I already find my mind racing with a thousand ideas that I think will blow you away. It’s as if my unemployment is a gift to the world, as I will now have time to bring the world the products and services it didn’t even know it needed, yet so richly deserves.

I’d like to ask you today to be part of my focus group. I’m going to throw some ideas at you, you tell me if you like them, if it’s something you would pay for and if so, how much would you pay?  I’ve already put together my thoughts on what you might be willing to pay for these services and you can just let me know if you think I’m being unreasonable. Keep in mind, these estimates are not only based on what I believe these services are worth to you, but also my overhead and costs associated with delivering them.

“I tweet and you can watch”

Subscription: $47.99 per month

I love this one because I also enjoy it. I think that’s the key to any good business.  How this works is every hour or so I get on twitter and I say something like:

“Man this donut is tasty. I think I’m going to have another donut. Maybe not. Maybe a danish.”

That one was for free and probably not even a good example. It was okay, that one just flew off the top of my head. I wasn’t even trying. When I think about them, have a seat and enjoy the show.  Okay.  Answer this as #1 in the comments.  How does this make you feel?

“You, too, can read my blog”

Cost: $87.99 per month

I’m giving it away here, I know.  This is just an introductory price to give people a taste, then I’ll take the price up to where it should be.  Again, I love doing this so it’s no problem for me and a bargain for you.  With the “you, too, can read my blog” platinum package I throw in 12 extra words, and for an extra $4.00, one of them can be “Vagina”.  I can’t do this all day. You guys are killing me here.

“I watch the Terminator series”

Cost: $14.00 per day

What I’m saying is I will devote 10 hours to doing nothing but watching Terminators 1-4, all day long. I won’t even take a shower ($4.oo extra for me to take a shower). While this may seem a little high, I have to rent the 4th one and I’m not even charging you for snacks. A man has to eat. (That’s called “overcoming an objection.”  I also trained salespeople on how to effectively trick people.)

“Look at my pictures on Facebook”

One time fee: $1,499.00

(By the way, a little advertising trick is to use “99″ because it makes it seem like less money. For example, if I had said “$1,500″ the difference to your mind is “$100″ instead of $1.00. If I had priced it at $1,500.00, you would have run the other way.)

Now I haven’t actually put up any pictures yet, but that’s only because I lack the initial funds for the project.  Look at this as an investment in your future enjoyment. I’m thinking about doing one picture where I’m standing in front of a mounted deer head and pretending its antlers are…  My antlers! Not the deer head, but mine! ROFLMAO!!

Ok, I have to stop now because my mind is getting carried away with awesome pictures I’m going to take and we’re not at that stage. (Man, I owe myself a keyboard. I might have to do a whole taxidermy series. See? That’s how awesome is born. I hope you were paying attention.)  

These are all the ideas I have so far. Remember, we’re just having a creative brainstorming session. I haven’t even set up a paypal account or done a business plan. This is a vital step in that process, so be brutally honest. Poke holes, let me know what I need to tweak in order to make it attractive enough for you to buy (as if it’s already not, but whatever).

When we hammer out the details, we’ll do a Grand Opening with balloons and shit, I’ll get a clown or something, maybe grill some hot dogs and we’ll have a raffle of some kind.  I’m thinking about giving away a ”barely cracked motorola razor with missing 9 and broken speaker.”  Seriously. For free.

Let’s take this bold new journey together. Let’s break the mold, spark innovation, lead the charge in asshole-free-nomics. Say to those who seek to deceive and disrespect us, “Fuck you, tricksters, we’re giving our money to Mayo Pie. At least he tells us the truth. Probably.” 

Stay tuned, my friends. Things are about to get very interesting around here.  I’m going to either take off, or violently come crashing to earth. One thing’s for sure,  there will be no in between.  And that’s a guarantee.

I need your help today. I need us to ban together and focus on one, perhaps unattainable goal.  I know you’re busy. I’m busy. But sometimes we need to set aside some time to do something for someone who richly deserves it. Someone I can guarantee is as busy as anyone I know, yet he’ll happily take the time (make the time) for a friend.  Or a stranger.

I first followed Outnumberedisme on twitter because his last name is Mayo.  Do I need any more? I don’t think so.  If you have Mayo in your name, you’re like my family.  The brother I never had.  Right now it’s OutnumberedOnline, Mayo Pie and Richard Gere from Officer and A Gentleman.  We’re kind of like the 3 Musketeers, but we could probably take the actual musketeers in hand-to-hand combat.  Hear that, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen? (They were in the 1993 remake.) The Brothers Mayo will fuck you up.  I call Charlie.

Let’s set aside my fantasy Hollywood rumbles for a second. Sometimes my mind has a way of drift…

Outnumbered just delivered a tiger claw to the throat of Oliver Platt while sitting on his chest after just having executed some of the most vicious purple nurples this mind’s eye has ever seen.  I’ve already dispatched of Charlie with a Karate Kid Crane-kick… Officer Mayo is chewing on Kiefer’s ear with a move he calls “the angry gerbil”.  I’m laughing so hard about that while going through Charlie’s pocket for drugs and his little black book.

That’s how it would go down. I’m telling you. We are so bad ass.

Anyway, back to why we’re here tod..

Uh oh. I hear sirens. To the Brothers Mayo Mobile!! They’ve never caught us before. Today will be no different.  I insist on driving. They never let me (older brothers can be assholes sometimes), but Outnumbered hurt his hand or something when he was giving Oliver a wet willy.  The eldest of us is still in gerbil mode, scratching wildly in every direction.  We have to put him in the trunk again.

People think I have ADD. I think that’s ridi…

Stop yelling at me! I know how to drive!

But I can focus. One of my friends has to take all the questions she asks me in e-mails and recap them at the bottom.  It’s sooo helpful.  I love chocolate.

I’m not getting on the freeway! That’s suicide! do you know how hard it is to drive with someone yelling at you? Especially when every cop in the city is chasing you?  And… the Chinese army?  Fuck.  Will you tranquilize him or something? That scratching is driving me crazy.

So this is going exactly where you thought it would go. I’ve been experimenting with a writing tool called “foreshadowing”.  The lead up to the pay-off, so to speak. Letting the story unfold a little so that you, the reader, can take part in piecing the puzzle together. Like a word detective.

In conclusion, OutNumbered was referred to me by IzzyMom as someone who might be able to help him acquire the love of one Neil Diamond, as Outnumbered is probably Neil’s single biggest fan.  I agreed to help, because I am soooo bored. Vagina.  And there you have why we are here today, though I’m sure most of you figured that out by now. I’m really just recapping for those of you who were drinking or whatever.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Is that a Terminator? When did the Chinese army get a terminator? Fuck! Ok, we’re going to have to convert to jet mode.  Arm the plasma missiles. We might have to cloak.  Shut up, cloaking isn’t for pussies.  We don’t have time for this right now.  I am acutely aware that Terminators see infra-red, that’s what the missiles are for. Confusion.  I’m not a baby.

So here’s the problem:  Neil Diamond doesn’t really follow anyone on twitter. In fact, he follows no one at all.  That makes sense.  However, he’s recently been soliciting on twitter for good jokes.  So maybe here is where we should start:

One of the last jokes Neil chose to use was, “What do you call someone else’s cheese? Nacho cheese.”

I love that one, but we can do better. So let’s get on twitter and tell Neil some jokes, making sure to include @Outnumberedisme in each.  We’ll call this phase 1.  And let’s keep it clean, because Neil likes his jokes clean, I think. Here’s an example:

@NeilDiamond @Outnumberedisme Why did the chicken cross the road? He was Coming to America.

I totally just made that up. Just now. I’ll bet you can’t tell.

In fact, we can just Retweet that one. I think he’ll like it because it incorporates a classic and one of the greatest songs ever, all in one uproarious good time.

I ask for your assistance. I ask for ideas. I ask for your commitment to the cause. I ask for you to become an honorary brother and the family will always have your back. Whenever you need us, we will be there.

Today begins our quest.  Rest assured, while full of awesome super hero goodness, this post will not get the job done.  Today is simply the inital courting stages. Today is the day we put Neil Diamond on notice. 

If you’re interested in joining the cause, you can leave a comment here or e-mail me at mayopie.ba@gmail.com or just tell me how stupid I am and how I totally deserve to get fire…

After having saved the city from the evil musketeers, the Brothers Mayo returned to their lair with the spoils of war they so richly deserved. And partied like it was 1999.

Just Another day at the office for the Brothers Mayo.

I realize there are at least 4 Canadians that read my blog.  And I’d like you to know that the Brothers Mayo, while based in America, are friends to our Canadian brethren.  You fall under our umbrella of protection (within 100 miles of the border, check website for map).  We ask that you join our fight. We ask that we put aside our differences. That we combine our efforts to reach the pinnacle of achievement. Together. The USA and The Canada. United We stand, divided we fall, ay?

Fuckin’ ay right.

I know I promised you guys the longest butthole post ever and you’re going to get it.  The longest butthole post ever takes time. I need to do research. I don’t take my butthole work lightly, and I don’t want to offer a half-hearted effort just because I backed myself into a corner. That’s how much I care about you. Vagina.

Anyway, I have a bone to pick with some people right now before I can focus on my research. It’s really sticking in my side and I feel a lesson about life choices needs to be taught.  And since I happen to be an expert in life decisions, I’m going to hand down some truth.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I’m getting inundated with “Pony boy” searches. Did I miss something? Is there some kind of newfound awareness of the Pony boy that I’m missing here?  Has he been arrested?  Hit by a meteor?  I could google it, but I prefer to ask you guys.  The results are always more interesting.

Ok, other people.  Now I’m talking to you.  Pony boy searcher. Weirdo, dare I say?  Look at me. I’m over here in the fedora and the corset, doing the penis-tuck dance. Waving now. See me? Good.  Listen up, bub.  Better yet,  just watch what I do here.

Patrick Swayze

Rob Lowe

Tom Cruise

Emilio Estevez

Matt Dillon

Ralph Macchio

Pony Boy Curtis

Need I say more? Life decisions. you’re at a crossroads in your life right now and maybe questioning a lot of things. This should not be one of your questions.  Stop searching for Pony Boy. Granted, he is lost. We did that on purpose. We collectively decided to lose him after that volleyball movie with the guy from Thirtysomething.  It was the last straw.  You may be too young to remember that, and that’s why I’m trying to be nice about it, rather than tell you how unreasonable you’re being and calling you the most horrible of names.

I’m just going to politely tell you that you don’t need him.  Let him go. You may have not even realized it (like I didn’t until just now but I’m too lazy to do anything about it), but the first movie poster I found for Soul Man isn’t even in English. What does that tell you?  It tells you to just stop it.  Let me put it this way:  

This is your brain

This is your brain on Pony Boy

I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I apologize for the disturbing imagery, but tough love is the best love sometimes. The first time we talk about it nicely, the next time we have an intervention. Do not make me take this to step 3. You will not like Step 3. 

 (If you want to see I made fun of Naomi Campbell  and Keanu Reeves on MamaPop this week  and now I write on a sports blog and made fun of a kicker the other day.)

I don’t often reveal much of myself here. I’ve explained that before and why I don’t, but many readers have come and gone since then. I don’t share many things here because this is where I come to escape my life, not relive it. However, I find myself wanting to do so, despite my own desire to keep things separate. Maybe because more and more it is becoming my life.

From time to time, I will show the heart of me, but I’ll quickly replace my exposed and beating heart with a post about buttholes or something. That’s my way of withdrawing once I’ve left myself vulnerable. My shield I’ve crafted from buttholes to keep you at a distance.

Many don’t know this, but nothing restores levity and detracts from the seriousness of an issue like a good butthole story or a funny picture of a butthole. It’s a well known fact. It worked didn’t it? Right now you’re laughing (or disgusted) about my gladiator and his butthole shield. You probably forgot this post was even serious. Focus. We’re doing good work here. This is why I don’t tell you guys things.

See? There I go again. You begin to see a crack into my soul, and my butthole shield goes up. I don’t know why I can’t let you in, but I do know. I know exactly why. Because one day I will tell you something. Something at my core that feeds the darkest in me. The doubt, the fear… all of it. I’ll throw down my shield cast from the strongest of buttholes and let you into the depths of my soul. And one of you will hurt me deeply.

I don’t care what you think, but I very much do. If you don’t like me, that’s your problem… It’s my problem. I want to know you, but I’m afraid of you. I can’t be with you, but I don’t want to be without you. I keep you away so you won’t damage me, as I absolutely care what you think. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I blog for me, but I blog for you. When you hate me, I hate me. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I’m writing this today because a friend of mine poured out her soul and some random jerk just trampled all over it. She showed us a moment of weakness. Moments we all have. She let us in and one of us used it as an opportunity to try to tear her apart. She showed us her deepest fears and a glimpse into the real person, and someone carelessly and maliciously attacked her being. It made me extremely angry and I wanted to punish this person. Not only because she attacked my friend, but because she’s a reminder of why I don’t feel 100% safe here. Why I’m encased in a room fabricated by buttholes.

I’ve been lucky enough to never really have someone attack me here. Someone said once, “You’re usually funnyish. But today you’re an idiot.” Ow. Funnyish? Up yours, lady. The point is, out of my thousands of comments, I remember 2 the most. The one you see above, and one so kind I think about it every time I write something. My point is simply this: Your words mean a lot to me, whether complimentary or scathing.

It takes more courage to give yourself than it does to give buttholes. If you don’t like my buttholes, I’ll get over it. If you don’t like me, I may not.

I understand my friend’s pain and I admire her courage for doing something I couldn’t do. To put myself out there for everyone to judge, criticize or worse. So I just wanted to tell her how amazing I think she is and how much respect I have for her. That envy often manifests itself in harsh criticism. That it’s easier to lurk in the shadows and hate others than to trust and love and try to break down the walls that separate us all. And sometimes all it takes is one person to fortify that wall we so desperately try to deconstruct. Sad, but true.

She deserves better. We all deserve better. Even those who seek to hurt us in an attempt to make us feel their own pain. Because that’s all it really is: A reflection of their own self loathing. They want you to know that feeling. They need you to feel it. Misery loves company.

I desperately want my friend to understand this, as while she’s a reminder to some of their own failures and shortcomings, to the vast majority of us, she’s truly an inspiration.

(Coming soon: Longest butthole post ever.)

Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

• President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
• Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
• The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
• The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
• The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
• Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
• Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
• Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

I’m watching Independence Day again. And I don’t know why because it’s not that good. I think it’s because I’m convinced that at some point we will find ourselves face to face with aliens. So I consider my perpetual viewing of this film my official training in the impending arrival of our friends or enemies. I’ve said this before, but I believe 100% they are out there. To me, it’s more ridiculous to think they’re not.

That aside, I’m not looking to start a debate. Let’s just say I’m right, because that’s so much easier for everyone. I like to debate, but if we could all just settle back and accept that everything I say is fact, think of the utopia. Watch: Everyone should stay home tomorrow. Boom. World Peace. I’m the envy of every Miss America contestant ever. Now if we can only get the word out.

Despite popular belief, not everyone in the world reads my blog. Some places don’t even have internet. It’s not their fault and I don’t hate them much for it. Let’s just say they’re not complete jerks.

My point is, I’ve proven I could bring world peace instantly and I deserve to play lead on alien relations, regardless of whether or not they’re hostile. I’m saying I want to be the Diplomat or General of Earth, depending on what the circumstances call for. Miss America contestants have already collectively agreed this is a great idea.

If the aliens aren’t hostile, great. I brought world peace to what has been a turbulent and violent existence. I delivered the message of apathy to the people. They listened. It was the best day ever. Who better to welcome our new friends? I can’t think of one person.

If they’re not, I’ve seen Independence Day 1,400 times and I know exactly how to defeat them.

One thing is for sure, I ‘m not wasting a dime on fitting helicopters with welcome lights. “Hey, let’s show them we’re intellectually 4. Green… Blue… hi. Red. Hi. Whatcha think?” I’d have shot it, too. That’s no way to greet people. Think about it. You get to someone’s house and rather than say anything, they show you a Lite Brite. I might punch them and run for my life. This is the thing people don’t think about and why I need to be head communicator.

I didn’t want to alarm you, but they’re already here. I changed my mind and decided to alarm you. Watch this shit. This video was taken from the space shuttle. For those who don’t follow science, that’s the space plane that NASA built. Many don’t know this, but at one point I was in 2nd place for a Shorty award on twitter in science. My main competition was a space shuttle technician and she sent me a space tweeps patch. What this all means is, I’m space certified.

The video below is commonplace. The evidence to support alien life is enormous. If we had this much on OJ, he’d be in solitary right now. It’s about 5 minutes and can be skipped if you don’t have the time, but I highly recommend it.

Ok, so they’re here. We need to get me in charge, but in the meantime, we’ll need to prepare. First off, I’m going to need someone good at computer stuff to make a virus. Don’t worry, alien/human software is compatible. Just e-mail me and we’ll work it out. If not, my friend Bryan is pretty good with computer stuff. I think we have some time, but if you watched the video, you can see they’re mobilizing in a clear, circular attack formation. They’re probably using our satellites to synchronize their countdown and Jeff Goldblum just hasn’t figured it out yet. But that’s okay, we don’t need him. I already know they’re going to do it.

I’m also going to work on getting the spaceship we recovered. Don’t worry, I can drive it. They just have a steering wheel that goes back and forth. The tricky part is remembering that when you pull back, that’s actually forward. Will Smith totally blew that and I will learn from his mistake.

I’m banking on the fact the aliens won’t realize I’m flying a 50 year old ship into their docking station. Aliens are so dumb. That’s how we’re going to win this thing.

The rest of you learn to punch as hard as Will Smith. Yes, he’s a strong black man and you’re probably not. If you are, then I’m sorry if I offended you, but it was actually a compliment. (If you’re a strong, black man and read my blog, please leave a comment. I want to keep my eye on you. Just kidding. I have a strong, black friend. It’s okay.) My point is, you can knock an alien out for days with a good straight right hand. If we can all just do that then my goal would be to lure them into a rumble for turf like The Outsiders.

VS.

Here’s the deal: I’m Polish Jew, Native American and Irish and I’ve had enough of people trying to take my people’s land, dammit. My people have been kicked around for centuries. Technically, it’s never happened to me, personally , but I’m sure it happened to pretty much all of my ancestors. Probably. They’d be so proud if I were made General of the World. Do it for them. It’s only right. Especially if you have German or English in you. You owe me.

(By the way, if you’d like to read my opinion on sexual positions on AimingLow, go here. I like to call it the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Please give us your input. It’s for science. Also, I like poking fun at my sister, but more importantly, I want her to write because she’s good at it. However, the only way to do it is to mercilessly and publicly attack her character. So I did that too. that’s over here. We’ll see how long it takes her to respond.)

So, Mayo. You have a new movie coming out. Thanks for taking the time to talk about it with us.

No problem, Katie. Can I call you Katie?

Of course! You don’t have to ask, silly.

I know. I just like to fuck with you.

You’re incorrigible. So what’s it about?

(Sips water from provided coffee cup) Well, it’s really a coming of age story. It’s about a man and his search for the answers to life’s most important questions. It’s a journey that symbolizes our yearning for truth in a truthless existence.

Wow. Sounds riveting.

Not really. I’m totally fucking with you again. I bought some cheap software and made a video with crap I couldn’t figure out how to delete. I call it “Crap I couldn’t figure out how to delete.” It’s a working title, but it’s got “Papow!”, ya know? Titles need “PaPow!” I think.

I like it. So when you were making…

Uh huh. Listen. I have a thing with a person somewhere, so let’s just get this thing moving, okay?

Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset…

(interrupts under his breath) Loser says what.

What?

(Laughs hysterically) Nothing. Listen (taps watch), I need to go. Just show the clip (covers mouth), Loser says Pardon me.

Pardon me?

(Laughs hysterically) Nothing. Roll it already. Fuck, Kate. You’re so bad at this.

I’m not sure I know…

I always liked Matt Lauer better than you.

What?

(under his breath) Loser says what.

What?!

(Laughs hysterically) Nothing. Seriously. Just roll the clit.

What?

Huh?

What’d you just say?

Roll the clip. Why? Where’s your mind, dirty birdy?

What?

(Laughs hysterically and points) You keep saying that and it’s killing me and this is fun and all, but seriously, I have to go. Stop being such an asshole.

Pardon me?

Stop it! I’m busting over here. Please, just roll the clit.

(Mean stare) Just roll the clit, Stan. Clip! I mean clip!

You just said Clit! You are so unprofessional (Whispers to producer and points at Katie)