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Gonzo actor Dennis Hopper died Saturday, at the age of 74. I sat down with him for a post-mortem chat:

Me: Hi Mr. Hopper, and thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

DH: Oh, man, I've got nothing but time anymore.

Me: Okay, I can't do this.

DH: Do what?

Me: Pretend like I care about interviewing you.

DH: What are you talking about?

Me: You're not really on my radar.

DH: But I'm an icon!

Me: You're the poster-boy for drug addiction and being obnoxious. You're the bad guy from Speed, the "Sicilian nigger" guy from True Romance, and the guy who did the voiceover in that Gorillaz song. That's it. Why should I waste my time interviewing you?

DH: Those are the only places that you know me from?

Me: I've never seen Easy Rider or Rebel Without a Cause. I saw Apocalypse Now when I was 19 and was bored out of my skull. I've never even seen Blue Velvet or Hoosiers. Shit, half the time I get you confused with Rutger Hauer. Is he still alive?

DH: Yeah, I think – Wait, I don't fucking care! I'm the dead one, here. You're supposed to be interviewing me!

Me: I know, I know. My heart's just not into it.

DH: Did you know that I interviewed Kristen Stewart last year for "Interview" magazine?

Me: And I'm back in. Tell me all about her.

DH: Well, it was only a five minute conversation, but she was very nice and even talked to my seven-year old daughter on the phone.

Me: Is she as gorgeous in person as she looks on film? Does she always have that sexy little smirk? Does she smell like cinnamon and fairy dust, like I imagine she does?

DH: Dude, obsess much? She's just a young actress with not much to show yet.

Me: That's not true! She's in the Twilight movies, which are sooo much better than any of the shit made in the 60s and 70s.

DH: You are fucking nuts, man.

Me: Have you ever watched the movies? Are you sad that you're dead so you can't see the new one in a month?

DH: I read the books.

Me: And?

DH: And what?

Me: You know.

DH: Team Edward.

Me: Are you stupid? Pop quiz, hotshot. You've got two men interested in you. One is a poncy cold fish with perpetual bedhead whose idea of protecting the person he allegedly loves is to run away, and the other is a warm, caring man with a huge heart who will do whatever it takes to protect the woman he loves. Who do you choose? Who do you choose?

DH: I am outta here.

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):

Gary Coleman
Chinese murderer
Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Adolf Hitler
Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Diminutive actor Gary Coleman died yesterday at the age of 42. I sat down with the surly star for a posthumuous chinwag:

Me: Thank you for taking the time, Mr. Coleman.

GC: Please, call me Gary. And you're welcome. I'm just glad somebody remembers who I am!

Me: Of course I remember you. You played Willis on Diff'rent Strokes.

GC: No, I didn't.

Me: Webster?

GC: That was Emmanuel Lewis.

Me: Mini-Me?

GC: Verne Troyer.

Me: The idiot from Jackass?

GC: That's Jason "Wee Man" Acuna.

Me: The Oompa Loompa from Tim Burton's Chocolate Factory movie?

GC: Deep Roy.

Me: Kramer's midget friend?

GC: Danny Woodburn.

Me: Willow?

GC: Warwick Davis.

Me: That creepy guy in the red room in Twin Peaks?

GC: Michael J. Anderson.

Me: R2-D2?

GC: Kenny Baker.

Me: That angry elf from Bad Santa?

GC: That's Tony Cox! What, do all black people look alike to you? You're a fucking racist, man!

Me: No, I'm not! I even said Emmanuel Lewis earlier and he's black!

GC: Yeah, but he and I are actually the same person, so I let that one slide. You're totally a racist.

Me: I swear I'm not. See, there's this thing I do where I tease my interview subject by pretending to be unaware of who they really are, and I was naming all types of tiny actors, and then you were supposed to get all exasperated and tell me that you didn't PLAY Willis, you played Arnold Jackson and "Whatchoo talking about, Willis?" was your catchphrase. Then I was going to laugh because I finally got you to say the famous catchphrase that you've notoriously refused to say because you're a cantankerous obnoxious person.

GC: What if you ran out of actors of my stature before I got exasperated?

Me: I'm surprised it took this long, actually, but if I ran out of names, I'd start on objects, like a fire hydrant, a Ken doll, or a pair of fat man's pants. Then, I'd go surreal and start naming things like a leprechaun or a coffee pot. And I would have totally broken you by then.

GC: And why exactly do you do this?

Me: Because it's funny, man.

GC: But, you're supposed to be interviewing me, and finding out about my life. I mean, I'm dead now, and there will never be another story about me doing anything ever again.

Me: That would be true, except you haven't done anything with your life since Diff'rent Strokes.

GC: That show destroyed my life! They worked me 15 hours a day, my parents stole all of my money, Mr. Drummond touched me in my no-no place, and I died broke.

Me: I have heard about the tragedy . . . what did you just say?

GC: "I died broke."

Me: No, before that.

GC: "My parents stole all of my money."

Me: After that, but before the other part.

GC: "and".

Me: I think that I heard you say that Mr. Drummond touched you in your no-no place.

GC: No I didn't.

Me: I think you did. Do you still call it that? Your no-no place?

GC: Yeah. I know it's immature, but . . . I died a virgin.

Me: WHAT?

GC: I was very embarrassed of my no-no place, so I would never let anyone get intimate with me.

Me: Why were you embarrassed?

GC: I am NOT getting into this with you.

Me: Hey, you're the one who wanted the real interview instead of a light airy mock interview.

GC: Sighhh. Well, the problem with dwarfism is that affects many parts of your body. And as a kid, you know, I would compare myself with my dad all the time.

Me: Sure.

GC: Well, unfortunately, even by the time I hit puberty, I just wasn't really developed "down there". And it never quite grew the way it was supposed to. *starts to sob*

Me: Oh, man, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

GC: *sobbing harder* It was, it was! You just don't understand, so I'll have to show you.

Me: Now, that's not nec– (Gary Coleman stands up and pulls down his shorts)– OH MY GOD.

GC: See? *sobbing harder* And it's pretty much the same size hard! It just lies there, a tiny 10 inch long penis. I'm deformed!

Me: Yes. Ahem. Deformed with a 10-inch penis. Poor you. I'm so sorry for you.

GC: Thank you. *cries and leaves the room*.

Me: *sob*

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):

Chinese murderer
Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Adolf Hitler
Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

This post is a guest post disguised to look like a real post by me, written by my friend James.

On Wednesday, May 12, Adam was given an assignment.

After two days of writing about preachy subjects, he was tasked with writing about something else horrible. Just like the previous posts though which were done with a twist of dark humor to make the message more clear, he was required to do the same with the new horrible subject.

The recent trend in China of adult males going into schools and killing children. The task was given after the most recent massacre. In this instance, a man went to a school with a cleaver and hacked seven kindergarten children and two teachers to death before going home to kill himself.

What was the reason for this? A property dispute. The man was the owner of the house that was being used as a school and he didn't want to renew their lease. While the motivation is unbelievable, the fact that this is the sixth such attack on schoolchildren since March of this year is the most bizarre and horrific part.

Why are grown adults choosing to attack and kill defenseless children? To find out, I sat down with the most recent attacker, Wu Huanming.

Adam : Wu, may I call you Wu?

Wu: 我不在乎

Adam: Ummmm. What?

Wu: 我說我不在乎你給我打電話

Adam: Shit. I figured the afterlife had its own translator. I guess that's one more thing that Google can do that God can't. If you don't mind I'm going to use Google's Afterlife Translation site to translate the rest of what you're saying.

Wu: Oh great, you using Google. Google hate China. You know that?

Adam: No, I didn't know that.

Wu: Yes, Google hate China. We are a peaceful people and Google want to corrupt us.

Adam: You're peaceful people? You hacked 9 people to death… 7 of them children! That's not peaceful at all!

Wu: You misunderstand. Piece-full people. China is full of people in pieces.

Adam: I think I'm going to be sick.

Wu: Oh right, like you not upset you didn't think of it first. I not bad guy here. You are. Google is!

Adam: Google didn't chop any children to death.

Wu: Google want to take away freedom! Freedom to shop!

Adam: I think you have that backwards. Your government wants to take away your freedom. As far as your freedom to shop, Google has no interest in what you buy.

Wu: Not shop, SHOP.

Adam: Yes, shop.

Wu: NO! SHOPPP!. C-H-O-P. What fuck kind of translator you using? Translator should have no problem with these words. It make no sense!

Adam: Oh… Chop. Yeah, you don't have freedom to chop. That's not Google taking away that freedom though, it's a freedom you just don't have. You can't just chop people to death. Especially children!

Wu: But without shopping how else I get my house back?

Adam: Did the chopping work? Do you have your house back? Did you get what you wanted?

Wu: Google hates China.

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews (actually written by me!):

Casey, aka Moosh In Indy
Adolf Hitler
Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

One of my favoritest people in the whole world, Casey, aka Mooshinindy, turns the ripe old age of 28 today! And I thought what better present could I give her other than something that I usually only reserve for dead celebrities? So I sat down yesterday and interviewed Casey and here you go!*

ME: Hi Casey, happy birthday!

MOOSH: Thanks! I'm happy to be here.

ME: So, people are always surprised when they find out that we're friends, aren't they?

MOOSH: Why? Because I'm a pure, innocent Mormon who's one of God's creatures and you're swinging on the door to hell?

ME: Exactly.

MOOSH: Well, I just tell people that I'm trying to save you.

ME: From? Tigers?

MOOSH: No, your soul!

ME: Ahh. But I believe in Jesus!

MOOSH: Adam, you named your penis Jesus.

ME: And I believe in him!

MOOSH: Sigh. I wonder if lightning can strike through an Internet connection. Am I also in danger here?

ME: No. Jesus will protect you.

MOOSH: What did we say? No more talking about your penis when you talk to the Mormon girl!

ME: I'm totally going to put this whole conversation on the Internet.

MOOSH: I will fucking kill you.

ME: Aha! You can't reach me through the Internet!

MOOSH: Oh, but don't you know about us Mormons? We're everywhere.

ME: Oh shit.

MOOSH: You get some random knock on your door and there are two clean cut young men standing there in white shirts and ties. You smile and start to tell them you're not interested and shut the door, but one of them sticks their foot in. You open it, confused, and then they beat you in the face with their Bibles.

ME: Please don't sic the Mormon Attack Squad on me!

MOOSH: Promise you won't post this anywhere.

ME: Okay, I promise.

MOOSH: Good. We can't have the whole fucking world finding out that I swear! Or that I talk to you at all, actually. I mean, it's kind of embarrassing. What kind of person would associate with you?

ME: That's an excellent point.

MOOSH: So, did you know that it's Mormon tradition for all of someone's friends to buy her extravagant birthday presents for her birthday?

ME: No, I had no idea.

MOOSH: Yup! And if her friends don't spend at least $200-300 each on her, she will go straight to hell.

ME: Well, damn. I don't want you to go to hell.

MOOSH: I know you don't. That's very sweet. So here's my wishlist. Go crazy.

ME: Well, I need to watch my budget now, with the divorce and all.

MOOSH: Oh, I see how it is. You WANT me to go to hell. Fine. Fucker.

ME: Okay. I guess I'll go spend lots of money on you for your birthday. What are friends for?

MOOSH: Yay!!

ME: But first, I'm going to go touch Jesus for a while.

MOOSH: GAH!

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Adolf Hitler
Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

*Everything in this interview is completely manufactured and no interview actually took place. Casey does not swear and my penis is not named Jesus. Although my testicles ARE named Luke and Matthew. Happy birthday, Casey! Love you lots!

**Also, it's Brittany's birthday too. I don't know Brittany that well, but she's damn funny. Happy birthday, Barefootfoodie!

Today is April 20th. While it might be best known for a holiday to celebrate marijuana (after students in 1971 met at 4:20 every afternoon to smoke pot), it's also the birthday of Adolf Hitler. What better day to interview the tiny megalomaniac?

Me: Hi Skippy, how's it going?

AH: What is this Skippy of which you speak?

Me: That's my nickname for you.

AH: Ah. I like, I like!

Me: Oh, well, as long as you like it, that's all that matters. So, still hating on the Jews?

AH: Ja, ja. (chuckles)

Me: It's not really funny. You're responsible for one of the worst cases of human extermination in recent history.

AH: No, I know this. But it remind me of very funny joke.

Me: Yeah?

AH: Okay! Joke goes: I want to kill all der Jews and one clown.

Me: Why a clown?

AH: See? Nobody cares about der Jews!

Me: That's . . . horrible.

AH: But is funny, ja!

Me: Sigh. Maybe a little.

AH: I knew it! But is okay, I have now reformed.

Me: You have?

AH: Ja, ja. I have spent many years in hell paying for der error of my ways.

Me: Well, I'd say many people believe, and I'm right along with them, that you could probably spend eternity in hell and still not pay for the error of your ways.

AH: I have reformed. I now think that der Jews are amazing! I made a huge mistake.

Me: I don't believe you.

AH: Nein! Nein! This is true! I love der Jews.

Me: I'm really suspicious of your sudden attitude change. I think you're just trying to use this interview to get rid of people's negative impression of you.

AH: Nein. I love them. I love der way they can haggle and get good deals and use der semantics to always win!

Me: Aha! See – even under your protestations, you're just perpetuating the same old hurtful stereotypes. You are a faker, sir.

AH: Please. You must help me! I need the world to know that I love der Jews!

Me: I would never help you, and why do you need the world to know this?

AH: Well, you know how der Jews run der media and der finance industry and der medical and legal industries?

Me: I know that you think they do.

AH: (in hushed whisper) They also run der Hell!

Two devils enter the room, with name tags that say "Moishe" and "Jacob".

MOISHE THE DEVIL: Okay, Mr. Hitler, enough already with the yapping. Let's go already.

AH: Nein! NEIN! NEEEIIIIINNNNN!!!! I LOOOOVE DERRR JEWWWWWWS!!! (His screams fade as they drag him away).

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Peter Graves
Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Mission: Impossible" and "Airplane!" star Peter Graves was found dead last night at the age of 83 under mysterious circumstances, and as one of the preeminent journalists who has a picture of themselves eating ice cream with Hitler, I was invited to interview him:

Me: Hi Peter, thanks for meeting with me.

PG: (in a whisper) I am not Peter. I'm on a top-secret mission and my name is Dyed. Howie Dyed.

Me: Well, I'm here to interview Peter Graves and I wanted to find out how he died.

PG: Yes?

Me: Oh, I see what you did there. Two can play that game. Have you ever been in a Turkish prison, Peter?

PG: I told you, Peter's not here.

Me: But he-

PG: Oh, Buddy's been in a Turkish prison.

Me: Sigh. And he's the same as Peter Graves?

PG: Andy? No, Andy has nothing to do with Peter Graves.

Me: Now I'm confused how he-

PG: Yes?

Me: Okay. I want to talk to Peter. Will he-

PG: Willy's in the other room.

Me: Oh. My. God. I want to punch you so f-

PG: Yusuf? That's our target. Have you seen him?

Me: That didn't even sound like the same thing! Now I know you're just fucking with me.

PG: King Withme is Yusuf's boss. Whose side are you on?

Me: Youon isn't here right now.

PG: Don't be a moron.

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Corey Haim
My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Former child actor Corey Haim died yesterday at the age of 38. I was granted a quick interview with the deceased "Lost Boys" star:

Me: Hi Corey, thanks for talking with me.

CH: It's my pleasure. I want all of my fans to know that I'm okay. They don't need to worry.

Me: Well, most of your fans are in their late 30s and early 40s and probably have plenty of other shit to worry about now. But I'll pass along the message.

CH: I appreciate it. I know that my demographic might skew a little older now that I'm older, but to many of them, I'll always be Sam or Lucas.

Me: I wouldn't know. I've never seen Lost Boys or Lucas and the only time I've ever heard of you was the horrible "License to Drive".

CH: Really?

Me: Yup! Now the other Corey? I loved him in Goonies.

CH: Felllldmannn. Don't even get me started.

Me: I thought you guys got along now?

CH: Are you kidding? The guy is a grade-A douchebag. Have you ever heard him speak?

Me: Yeah, he kind of oozes when he talks.

CH: Did you ever see that clip they showed on The Soup where Feldman sang at his wife? He thought that was romantic and now he'll only have sex when they play that song.

Me: Ok, that's creepy.

CH: Dude, tell me about it. I've spent my whole life trying to get away from Corey fucking Feldman, but he just won't die! He's like a cockroach. That's why I did what I did.

Me: What's that?

CH: You know.

Me: Umm, no I don't.

CH: Sure you do!

Me: Pretend I don't.

CH: That's why I died!

Me: You committed suicide to get away from Corey Feldman?

CH: Well, kind of, but it has its perks.

Me: It does?

CH: Yeah! I'm really strong now and I can fly!

Me: Ummm….

CH: And I can see at night and I will live forever!

Me: Umm, Corey? Do you think that you're a vampire now?

CH: Yeah! See? Look at my fangs!

Me: Those are just your canine teeth and I think mine are sharper looking than that.

CH: But look how pale I am!

Me: That's because you're dead.

CH: Yeah, see? Undead!

Me: No. Just. Plain. Dead.

CH: I'm a vampire – watch me lift this chair with one hand!

Me: A child with polio could lift that chair.

CH: Bah! You're just an unbeliever. I'll show you.

Me: What are you doing? Did you just poop your pants?

CH: No! I'm trying to turn into a bat!

Me: Oh. I think if you're not careful you might-

CH: I just pooped myself.

Me: And there we go.

CH: But . . . but I wanted to become more famous than Feldman!

Me: Sorry, buddy. Good luck in whatever place it is that washed up TV child-stars go!

CH: *sniff* I am a vampire. I am a vampire. I am a vampire. *sniff*

Me: Please stop biting me.

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

My Grandmother
Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

My grandmother, pictured above with her second favorite dictator, passed away Friday night. This is the same grandmother I've written about previously. She was suffering from the late stages of Alzheimer's, and her death, while sad, was merciful.

Eileen was the oldest of 15 children. She raised many of her younger brothers and sisters as if they were her own children, and supported many of them, paying for college and other expenses, just like a parent. She was the matriarch to the Irish Catholic side of my family. By the time I knew her, she was the very strict, serious, older lady that you didn't dare disappoint. She was very religious, never swore, was fair to each grandchild to a fault, and disapproved of fully half of anything that a child would do. This isn't to say that she didn't love – she cared deeper than she showed, and loved everyone equally and unconditionally. But you sure as fuck didn't want to do anything to disappoint her. "You had better hope that your Nana doesn't hear about this!" was a familiar mantra heard around my home. Today, I got the chance to interview her posthumously which means, thankfully, that her mental state had returned to how she used to be. (NOTE: The following is a PARODY and in no way reflects my actual grandmother, who was about as close to a saint as you could possibly be.)

Me: Hi Nana.

Nana: Hi dear.

Me: I'm sorry you're not here anymore. I miss you.

Nana: Is that why you only visited me once when I was in the home?

Me: It was too hard to see you like that. And I didn't think you'd really want any of us to see you in that state.

Nana: So does this mean you're skipping my funeral too?

Me: If it wasn't to be there for Mom and Papa, I wouldn't go to that, either.

Nana: And what's this I hear about you getting a divorce?

Me: Ohhh, ummm, yeah.

Nana: You know you're going to hell, right?

Me: For getting a divorce? That's not fair.

Nana: No, not for the divorce – that's just what you get for living in sin before you got married.

Me: Then why?

Nana: Because I can see everything now – and there is no way God is letting you into heaven with all of that porn you look at.

Me: You can see THAT?!?

Nana: Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I wasn't already dead, finding out that there's something called "tranny porn" would have killed me on the spot. And then how would you have liked finding out that you killed your poor grandmother?

Me: But I didn't! And that was just for research purposes.

Nana: You need a hand down your pants to research?

Me: I . . Uh . . Um . . .

Nana: I'm just fucking with you.

Me: NANA!!!

Nana: What? Can't a woman drop an f-bomb on you?

Me: Not when you're my Nana, and I've never even heard you say "hell"!

Nana: I usually reserved that type of language for the bedroom.

Me: Oh God.

Nana: You don't want to hear about me and your grandfather having sex? You do know that your mother wasn't immaculately conceived, even if she's convinced you she was, right?

Me: No no no no no no (rocking back and forth)

Nana: I used to joke that your Papa's name was destined to be Howie . . .

Me: Please stop (crying)

Nana: . . . as in "how he makes me feel down there"

Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh

Nana: And by "down there", I mean my vagina.

Me: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

On February 10, 2008, Roy Scheider, best known for his role of the sheriff in "Jaws", died at the age of 75. I didn't have a chance to interview him then, so I thought I'd use the anniversary of his passing to talk to him briefly:

Me: Roy, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I see you brought the shark with you?

RS: We're going to need a bigger couch.

Me: Heh. I see what you did there. Did you know that your quote, which I understand was ad-libbed, is considered one of the top 50 best movie quotes?

RS: We're going to need bigger accolades.

Me: Well, okay. It was actually ranked #35, sorry about that. So, tell me, what's it like after death? Do you have plenty of activities planned?

RS: We're going to need a bigger check.

Me: Sigh. Umm, well, you're not getting paid at all for this interview, so just be happy that anybody remembers who you are. Other than Jaws, I don't think your movies are exactly memorable. Can you just answer the question without using the one quote that everybody knows?

RS: We're going to need a bigger block of time.

Me: Unfortunately, we don't have that much time left. Do you have any regrets about your body of work as an actor?

RS: We should have had bigger principles.

Me: I agree. Maybe taking every film you could get just for the paycheck wasn't the wisest choice. I mean, people don't even know your name – they just know you as that cranky sheriff from the shark movie. How's that for a legacy?

RS: We're going to need a bigger bottle of booze.

Me: Drink up, buddy. You deserve it. You and your shark.

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Zelda Rubinstein, the creepy old midget lady known best for her role in Poltergeist I, II, and III as Tangina Barrons, died yesterday at the age of 76. I took a minute to sit down with her.

Me: Hi, Zelda, thanks for agreeing to this short visit. I was sorry to hear about your death.

ZR: There is no death. There is only a transition to a different sphere of consciousness.

Me: Well, yes. But there's still a corpse. Anyways, let me ask you a tiny question.

ZR: Ahem. Go right ahead.

Me: Do you feel like your roles in the Poltergeist films dwarfed the rest of your career?

ZR: Are you doing this on purpose?

Me: Doing what on purpose? I'm a little confused.

ZR: Why do you keep doing that?

Me: I think you may be a teensy weensy bit wrong.

ZR: There! You did it again! You keep mocking my size!

Me: I would never do something like that. That's awfully immature of me.

ZR: Oh, okay, I may have just overreacted.

Me: It's okay. You just have a short fuse. A little, tiny, fuse.

ZR: Gah! I'm going into the Light. There is peace and serenity and no assholes like you in the Light.

Me: Midget.

ZR: Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuu…….

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In addition to Zelda Rubinstein, the extremely reclusive author of "The Catcher in the Rye", J. D. Salinger, passed away yesterday at the age of 91. I was granted an exclusive interview with this amazing author:

Me: Mr. Salinger, thank you for speaking with me in the first interview you've given since 1981, 29 years ago.
Me: Umm, hello?
Me: Why are you just sitting there staring at me?
Me: You're creeping me out, old man!

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Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.