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At the young age of 76, Larry King has announced his intentions to step down from hosting his CNN show "Larry King Live" after a 25-year run. While there's plenty of speculation with what he'll do for his final show, I would like to offer a few suggestions:

1. Invite Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Michael Vick, Osama bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, Reverend Phelps, and a team of Mossad agents in for an interview. Lay knives, grenades, and a spear on the table. Have his first question be a round table question where each person tells the most offensive joke they know. Start with Mel.

2. Two words: Clothing optional. Two more words: Except suspenders.

3. Have Jerry Springer be the guest host, and invite Larry as the guest. Also, invite all 34 of his ex-wives and Steve the security guard. Provide chairs and hair extensions, keep a finger on the censor button, and just see what happens.

4. Along the lines of Geraldo Rivera's big Al Capone reveal, show us what the hell is in Larry King's pants to keep getting all of those wives.

5. How about a crossover finale? A Larry King Live/Bachelor crossover during which Larry divorces his current wife and tries to pick a new one before he dies could be a ratings killer!

6. Old Man Battle Royale! Who will be the last man standing shakily in a fight to the death between Larry, Dick Clark, Wilford Brimley, Willard Scott, and Bob Barker. Winner gets a night with Betty White. Or Lindsay Lohan.

7. Have a serious conversation with BP executives about what they're going to do. When they say "I Don't Know", dump slime on their heads ala "You Can't Do That On Television"! Except instead of slime, make it oil with dead birds and fish in it.

8. Have no guests except Larry himself. Larry will sit down and provide an oral history of the world that he has personally experienced, including the life of King Tut, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, and the Big Bang.

9. Ninja attack. Larry can demonstrate that he is a surprisingly wily foe.

10. A line-by-line re-enactment of "The Princess Bride" with Larry King playing all roles except that of Enigo, who will be played by Mandy Patinkin himself.

11. Larry King. Don King. Burger King. The King family sits down and discusses their rough childhood being raised by abusive parents Nosmo King and Sofa King.

In other Avitanews, today is the last day to buy your tickets to win a free iPod Touch or a free iPod nano!

CNN had an article yesterday bemoaning the fact that women still get lower pay when looking at 25 different careers. On first blush, it seems like this is a travesty, that women are still getting the shaft just because they don't have a shaft of their very own. However, we all know that CNN is a puppet of the liberal elite, and it's immediately obvious to me that they skewed their results to appeal to the plight of the penisally challenged.

This is an excerpt of their article, with the type of jobs that they were discussing:

Pharmacists
Women – Median weekly earnings: $1,647
Men – Median weekly earnings: $1,914

Chief executives
Women – Median weekly earnings: $1,603
Men – Median weekly earnings: $1,999

Lawyers
Women – Median weekly earnings: $1,509
Men – Median weekly earnings: $1,875

Computer software engineers
Women – Median weekly earnings: $1,351
Men – Median weekly earnings: $1,555

Computer and information systems managers
Women – Median weekly earnings: $1,260
Men – Median weekly earnings: $1,641

If you're fair and balanced like I am, you'll immediately see the issue here. All of these jobs have one thing in common: Women shouldn't be in these roles! I mean, c'mon, seriously? Let's just examine them one by one:

Pharmacists – everyone knows that women don't have a head for numbers and any type of job that requires counting pills is just going to be over their head.

Chief Executives – women can barely run a family without having a breakdown and threatening to kill someone. What shareholder in his right mind is going to want to support a CEO who can't handle the stress?

Lawyers – a woman's idea of clever arguing is to start crying until you feel bad and agree to whatever they want. And that won't fly in a courtroom, even one with a woman judge.

Computer blah blah blah – it's a computer. To women, that's like some magical toy that they use to instant message and email with.

So, as you can see, CNN is so biased that it's sad. It's sad that journalism has reached such a state that they have to manufacture gender bias in the workforce. And in the interest of setting the record straight, I did my own research and discovered that the truth was exactly as I suspected. There are thousands of jobs where women receive equal, if not better, pay. Here are my findings:

Housekeepers
Women – Median weekly earnings: $509.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $488.00

Exotic Dancers
Women – Median weekly earnings: $1,014.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $320.00

Hooters Servers
Women – Median weekly earnings: $736.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $0.83

Nannies or Au Pairs
Women – Median weekly earnings: $692.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $302.00

Porn Stars
Women – Median weekly earnings: $4,800.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $500.00

Auto Show Floor Models
Women – Median weekly earnings: $441.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $12.00

Oprah
Women – Median weekly earnings: $40,000.00
Men – Median weekly earnings: $0.00

These numbers speak for themselves. When you strip away the liberal bias and look at the whole picture, you see that gender inequality is nothing but a myth perpetuated by pussies and hippies. And I'm happy to take on the burden of exposing the truth for all of you.

First of all, admire the new digs for SecondHand Tryptophan! Thanks to the lovely Rent a Geek Mom, the design went live last night and I’m really liking it. Hope you do, too. Caitlin did a great job. My bud, Mic, drew the header graphic for me, so a big thanks to him, as well.

If you see anything wonky or notice some weird behavior on the blog, please let me know.

Second, for all my mom friends, hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day yesterday.

"I'd like to say hi to SecondHand Karl and congrats on the new design!"

So I started watching “Live with Regis and Kelly” (sorry, Shannon) this morning, and then President Obama sees the need to preempt everything at 10:00 AM to announce his new Supreme Court nominee. Snore. Why can’t Barack get a clue and start his press conferences at 7:00 AM or noon, when nobody gives a fuck about what else is on TV? Or maybe 6pm, when the news is ALREADY ON?

Sure, this Elena Kagan (whose last name is close enough to Kegel to make me giggle) may be helping shape the very laws of the United States one day. But she’s already irritating me by interrupting my morning TV.

For future reference, major flood or earthquake? Local tornado warning? Plane crash? Mud wrestling in the Senate? Karl winning the lottery? All fantastic reasons to interrupt TV with an announcement. Short of that, fuck off and wait until the noon/evening news. Or hey, how about showing that shit on the channels I expect to see news on, like CNN or MSNBC?

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

• President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
• Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
• The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
• The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
• The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
• Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
• Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
• Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

As you've probably heard, Representative Joe Wilson made an ass of himself by yelling "You lie!" as President Obama spoke about health care to a nationally televised joint session of Congress. His completely unprofessional immature outburst has embarrassed the Republicans greatly, causing many of them to denounce Wilson's actions publicly. The more publicity-savvy Republicans, however, have found a way to capitalize on Wilson's poor behavior by hiring him out for a variety of venues:

• McDonald's has hired him as a night manager where he directs the employees with a hearty "You. Fry!"
• A busy New York Deli hired him to transmit orders from the counter to the butcher, and you can hear his enthusiastic "Two rye!" over the crowd very easily.
• Terminix and Orkin are sharing Wilson to assist with their pest extermination efforts, as they've found his "Shoo fly!" to be particularly effective.
• Wilson also teaches a basic journalism course at Kent State School of Journalism, although his curriculum tends to focus more heavily on "Who! Why?" and less on "What? How? When?" and "Where?"
• A small province in China has pooled its resources to invite Wilson back to instruct their students in math after his aggressive "Chu. Pi!" worked such wonders.
• As an early warning system for pinkeye in a school district in South Dakota, Wilson's grating "Poo eye!" has proven to have reduced outbreaks by 25%.
• Wilson has had amazing luck in teaching canines how to speak English using a very simple "Woof! Hi!" pattern repetition.
• A small Aryan group in his home state of South Carolina has hired Wilson to speak at rallies, expecting only a simple "Jew die!" that will rally their organization.
• A New Zealand slaughterhouse is contracting for his services in their sheep harvesting, as his "Ewe! Die!" is cheaper and more efficient than the sluicing machine.
• The Men's Wearhouse has retained him as a salesperson once he demonstrated how many sales he received with his simple "New tie!" technique.

And today's obnoxious Halloween tidbit:

Tickets for this year's Halloween party are now available for sale! Quantities are limited, but if you're planning on attending on October 24th, go over to the Halloween site to buy your admission ticket now!

When I try to come up with posts for each day, I will usually spend some time on CNN or other news sites and see if any articles catch my eye. Tonight, there wasn't shit going on, so I decided to head over to Rush Limbaugh's website and see if there was anything amusing that might inspire me.

Nothing jumped out at me as being anything particularly entertaining – it was frustrating to see how he has turned fearmongering into an art and hypocrisy into a science. (Not that the fundamentalist leftist commentators are any better, but Rush is the best spoken out of all of them.)

I thought it might be interesting to put on Rush's thrice-divorced OxyContin-addicted glasses and see how he talks about family values and condemns people who are addicted without his head exploding. Let's see how Rush would rewrite these innocuous headlines that I've pulled from CNN.com:

Original Headline and Summary

Jackson's resting place may not be his last

Seventy days after his sudden death, Michael Jackson will be interred in what may or may not be his final resting place Thursday evening. Only his family and closest friends are attending the private burial inside the ornate Great Mausoleum on the grounds of Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale, California…

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Even after death, black man moves around, probably avoiding bill collectors and repo men.

Original Headline and Summary

High praise for football player who disarmed girl with gun on bus

A Mississippi high school quarterback is being hailed as a hero for saving a school bus full of elementary and high school students from a gun-wielding girl. Surveillance camera footage on the Yazoo County school bus on Tuesday captured 18-year-old Kaleb Eulls tackling the 14-year-old girl while the children evacuated the bus.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Fanatic leftist and activist infringes upon 2nd amendment rights of young innocent girl.

Original Headline and Summary

Muslim teen fears for life after changing religion

A Muslim teenager from Ohio says her father threatened to kill her because she converted to Christianity. Rifqa Bary, 17, ran away from her family in Columbus, Ohio, in July and took refuge in the central Florida home of the Rev. Blake Lorenz with the Global Revolution Church in Orlando.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Suspected terrorist targets God-fearing American child, declares fatwah.

Original Headline and Summary

'Airplane view' of Mars yields stunning images

What would you see if you could fly over Mars in a plane and look out the window? It must be something like the thousands of curious, intriguing and spectacular images taken by the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE) camera mounted on NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Government waste at work: Sightseeing photos of the Planet Marxist

Original Headline and Summary

Stranger allegedly slaps crying child in store

A Georgia man allegedly slapped a toddler at a Walmart store because she wouldn't stop crying, authorities said. Roger Stephens, 61, was arrested Monday and charged with first-degree cruelty to children. An incident report obtained from police in Gwinnett County indicated Stephens did not know the 2-year-old girl he stands accused of hitting.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Hero villified by left-wing media and harassed by Obama's stormtrooper police force.

Original Headline and Summary

Sexual minigame costs publisher $20 million

Take-Two Interactive has agreed to pay $20 million to settle a class-action lawsuit over a sexual minigame that was mistakenly included in the 2004 title “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.” The minigame, dubbed “Hot Coffee,” simulates sex between title character Carl “CJ” Johnson and his in-game girlfriend after she invites him in for a cup of coffee. The sexual content was inaccessible without manipulating the game’s code, but that didn’t stop a media frenzy in 2005 when parents heard there was “porn” in their child’s video game.

Rush Limbaugh Headline

Porn peddler and poisoner of our children's minds gets off with slap on wrist. More reparations are needed for Americans!

Original Headline

Bear encounters in Alaska

Rush Limbaugh Headline

With hero Sarah Palin gone, family-destroying gays flock to Alaska.

• Are you coming to the party? We need your vacation photos!
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