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You may have seen from the news that a serial killer who was recently given the death penalty for murdering four women and a child between 1977 to 1979, Rodney Alcala, was actually a winning bachelor on "The Dating Game" in 1978.

While the media has picked up on a few of his answers as being relevantly creepy ("What's your best time?" "Nighttime.") and predictive, I have an actual transcript that shows his serial killer nature even more explicitly:

Question: Bachelor #1, we go on our second date. I don't like the beach or the movies. Where would you take me?
Answer: I'd blindfold you and drive you somewhere secluded where just the two of us could enjoy a very special time.

Question: Bachelor #1, if we got into an argument and I told you to leave, what would you do?
Answer: Oh no, we can't have that. I don't even let Mother talk to me in that tone. I'm not a naughty boy and don't deserve to be punished!

Question: Bachelor #1, what do you look for in a girl that you want to date?
Answer: Weak arms and no long fingernails.

Question: Bachelor #1, what is the most appealing part of your personality?
Answer: It depends whether or not I've given into the rage or appeased it with a sacrifice.

Question: Bachelor #1, it's our fourth date, and I've invited you into my home. What base would you try to get to?
Answer: Fourteenteen red.

Question: Bachelor #2, why should I choose you?
Answer: Well, first of all, because I'm not a fucking serial killer. I mean, c'mon, have any of you even been listening to Bachelor #1? He's creeping me out with the drooling and Charles Manson hair and the way he keeps touching himself. I'm telling you, if you go with him, you will die.

Question: Bachelor #1, same question.
Answer: Because you and I would fit together like a glove and a ball, or like a skin suit and a person wearing said skin suit.
(Bachelor #2): SEE??!??

I'd transcribe more, but that's when he pulled the dead cat out from his jacket and began to swing it around his head by the tail and called it his Jesus Helicopter Cat. You can't get much more explicit than that, people.

My grandmother, pictured above with her second favorite dictator, passed away Friday night. This is the same grandmother I've written about previously. She was suffering from the late stages of Alzheimer's, and her death, while sad, was merciful.

Eileen was the oldest of 15 children. She raised many of her younger brothers and sisters as if they were her own children, and supported many of them, paying for college and other expenses, just like a parent. She was the matriarch to the Irish Catholic side of my family. By the time I knew her, she was the very strict, serious, older lady that you didn't dare disappoint. She was very religious, never swore, was fair to each grandchild to a fault, and disapproved of fully half of anything that a child would do. This isn't to say that she didn't love – she cared deeper than she showed, and loved everyone equally and unconditionally. But you sure as fuck didn't want to do anything to disappoint her. "You had better hope that your Nana doesn't hear about this!" was a familiar mantra heard around my home. Today, I got the chance to interview her posthumously which means, thankfully, that her mental state had returned to how she used to be. (NOTE: The following is a PARODY and in no way reflects my actual grandmother, who was about as close to a saint as you could possibly be.)

Me: Hi Nana.

Nana: Hi dear.

Me: I'm sorry you're not here anymore. I miss you.

Nana: Is that why you only visited me once when I was in the home?

Me: It was too hard to see you like that. And I didn't think you'd really want any of us to see you in that state.

Nana: So does this mean you're skipping my funeral too?

Me: If it wasn't to be there for Mom and Papa, I wouldn't go to that, either.

Nana: And what's this I hear about you getting a divorce?

Me: Ohhh, ummm, yeah.

Nana: You know you're going to hell, right?

Me: For getting a divorce? That's not fair.

Nana: No, not for the divorce – that's just what you get for living in sin before you got married.

Me: Then why?

Nana: Because I can see everything now – and there is no way God is letting you into heaven with all of that porn you look at.

Me: You can see THAT?!?

Nana: Yes, and you should be ashamed of yourself. If I wasn't already dead, finding out that there's something called "tranny porn" would have killed me on the spot. And then how would you have liked finding out that you killed your poor grandmother?

Me: But I didn't! And that was just for research purposes.

Nana: You need a hand down your pants to research?

Me: I . . Uh . . Um . . .

Nana: I'm just fucking with you.

Me: NANA!!!

Nana: What? Can't a woman drop an f-bomb on you?

Me: Not when you're my Nana, and I've never even heard you say "hell"!

Nana: I usually reserved that type of language for the bedroom.

Me: Oh God.

Nana: You don't want to hear about me and your grandfather having sex? You do know that your mother wasn't immaculately conceived, even if she's convinced you she was, right?

Me: No no no no no no (rocking back and forth)

Nana: I used to joke that your Papa's name was destined to be Howie . . .

Me: Please stop (crying)

Nana: . . . as in "how he makes me feel down there"

Me: shh shh shh shh no shhh shh

Nana: And by "down there", I mean my vagina.

Me: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..

---

Enjoy this interview? Check out my other dead (mostly) celebrity (mostly) interviews:

Roy Scheider
Zelda Rubinstein and J.D. Salinger
Brittany Murphy
Oral Roberts
John Lennon
Ken Ober
Henry Gibson
Patrick Swayze
Ted Kennedy
John Hughes
Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett
Walter Cronkite
Billy Mays
Ed McMahon
Stephen Hawking
Robert Novak
Caylee Anthony
David Carradine
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I love music. I don’t know where I’d be without it, honestly. One thing the iPhone (iPod) does really well is music. I use Smart Playlists to sync songs all the time, love my iPod.

And there are some great music apps for the iPhone, too. Thought I’d share a handful of my favorites with you.

Moodagent – FREE

Moodagent is a really cool app I discovered not long ago, and best of all, it’s FREE. It profiles the music you have on your iPod and then lets you automagically create playlists based on your mood. Yes, your mood. You move five different sliders around. Based on the five sliders – Sensual, Tender, Joy, Aggressive, and Tempo – you figure out how you’re feeling, make the adjustments and then Moodagent does the rest.

The result is a playlist of 25 songs that all match your mood, like so.

You can also save and load playlists you’ve created with Moodagent. And if you’re not feeling the slider thing at the moment, you can click on the Search (magnifying glass) icon and hand-select any song on your iPod. Moodagent will then adjust the sliders accordingly for that song and create your playlist based on the song.

Very, very cool. Plus, it integrates with your iPod, so you can start a playlist, then exit Moodagent, and have your music still playing. (Unlike most music apps. At least, until Apple allows multitasking.)

Last.fm – FREE

Been using Last.fm for years now. It came before Pandora did. It’s a social music site. You sign up, create a profile, and it keeps track of your favorite music for you. That’s the basics. You can also use it like Pandora…enter an artist or song, and Last.fm will create a custom music station based on your selection.

Last.fm tracks all the songs you listen to. In fact, my favorite thing about Last.fm is what they call “scrobbling.” Thanks to a small download, every time I sync my iPhone through iTunes, Last.fm scrobbles all the songs I’ve played and uploads them to my account. It organizes everything…how often I’ve played each song, etc.

And my “neighbors” (friends) on Last.fm have access to my library, too. They can  listen to MY “station,” which is a great way to find great music. Another great way is to listen to your “recommended” music. Based on the music you’ve scrobbled so far, Last.fm finds recommended artists and puts them into a special station for you. Rocking service that I think everyone should be using.

Simplify Music 2 – $7.99

Simplify Music 2 is another great app. I got it for free a while back; now it’s $7.99, but it’s worth every penny.

Simply put, Simplify 2 lets you stream all the music in your iTunes to your iPod/iPhone. Now you don’t have to worry that you can’t fit all your music into that phone of yours…you have access to your entire music library. Provided you have iTunes up and running, of course. It forms a network connection between the Simplify app on your phone and the Simplify app on your computer.

Works fantastically.

Slacker Radio – FREE

Don’t get me wrong, I love Pandora, but rarely use it these days, thanks to Last.fm and Slacker Radio. Slacker is very similar to Pandora – you create custom music stations based on songs/artists you like. Again, it’s a great way to find new artists.

The difference, to  me, is that I think Slacker puts together a more organic sounding mix based on my selection. They put songs together that I’d never think to put together, but once I hear them together they click and make sense. Love, love, love.

Plus, I can select from musical genre stations. Sure, there’s your typical “80’s, 90’s, and Today” station, but I can choose from Reggae or Blues or any number of genres I want to hear. The only caveat is the occasional 15-second commercial (unless you buy the premium subscription, but it’s not required).

I can even listen to stand-up comedy. For instance, Steven Wright. Creates a comedy station just for me. Nice.

Great sound that streams via WiFi.

SoundHound – $4.99

How many times have you heard a song on the radio, or in someone’s car, and wondered who sings it? Look no further.

Load up SoundHound, tap the TAP HERE button, and let your phone listen to that song. SoundHound is remarkably accurate and should have your song for you in a matter of seconds. You can even hum or sing a song yourself and get results!

From there, you can Bookmark a song, Share it (Email, Twitter, Facebook), and even Buy it. It also looks up the lyrics for you, and corresponding Youtube videos.

GREAT app that will never leave my iPhone. I was lucky enough to get it for free way back when, but again…worth every penny.

Wunder Radio – $6.99

Listen to most any radio station around the world, people. Add in Weather radio, police and fire rescue scanners, accessibility for subscription satellite radio (Sirius/XM), and you have Wunder Radio. Damn cool app.

Find stations based on genre (talk, sports, pop music, new age, rap, etc.) or location (Great Britain, Australia, wherever). Listen to police scanners from your old neck of the woods (provided they’re in the list). Sometimes I tune in to some Dallas radio stations, just to hear the ads for my old hometown. Or British radio, same reason.

Streams great over 3G or WiFi.

There you have it…great apps to help you stay in touch with your favorite music, maybe even find some amazing NEW stuff to listen to.

You’re welcome. How about you? Have any fave music apps on your iPhone or iPod Touch?

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Most of you have already seen this, I'm sure, but for those of you who haven't, it's awesome. I love seeing all these actors get together to play different Presidents. And Chevy Chase and Dana Carvey in one room? Comedy awesomeness, in my opinion. Thanks to Faiqa for pointing it out to me!

Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

• President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
• Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
• The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
• The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
• The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
• Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
• Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
• Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

I originally had a post half-written from the point of view of Tilikum, the killer whale who killed Dawn Brancheau, a senior trainer at Sea World, yesterday. It was a diary told from the orca's perspective, showing a building resentment towards the trainer thanks to perceived slights and insults.

But then I reconsidered and thought that maybe I was being a little insensitive. I am a fan of the maxim that funny trumps all, but all this woman did was her job. It's one thing to find the humor in something, but what's the porpoise of it all if I'm hurting someone at the same time? Especially since this was a death that was witnessed by her coworkers and an entire grouper of spectators.

I know it may seem fishy that I'm having a change of heart when I'm not usually known for being so tactful. However, this is a local story and I didn't want to appear to be baiting anyone with a sharky sarcastic post. Additionally, this woman walrus not in the public spotlight and didn't deserve a post a trout her death when it doesn't appear to be anything other than an accident.

On the flipper side, these are dangerous wild animals. They're called killer whales for a reason, and fin order to survive around them, one has to be vigilant at all times. I think it might be easy for a trainer who had been working with them for so long to start sealing them as being friendly orca domesticated, and it's events like this that act as a reminder to always be clam, cautious and never treat wild animals caviarly.

My condolences go out tuna the family. And maybe once this isn't so fresh, I'll be able to write a funny post about it without seeming like too much of a basshole.

Without the genius addition of a $, Ke$ha would just be "Kesha", a trashy blonde girl with very little actual musical talent. Instead, Ke$ha is a music sensation! That simple substitution of a punctuation symbol for a letter has been used in the geek world for a long time. It's known as "leet speak". And, once again, something geeky is being used to make the world more awesome.

I think that we should take really shitty things and make them more palatable with leet speak. It could revolutionize the world, just like the iPhone. Take a kid who hates spinach, for example. Do you think maybe he'd eat "$P!NACH"? Totally – the exclamation point and dollar sign substitution will fool him into thinking he's eating something AWESOME. Here are some other things that we could bling up with some punctuation:

• Having trouble making ends meet? Don't worry if you have to declare B4NKRUP7CY – it's super fun!.
• Male and over the age of 30? Don't forget to go in for your annual awesome PR0$TAT3 3XAM.
• It's okay that you got an F. It is cool to be a PHA!LUR3!
• Did last night's one-night stand leave you burning and itching? Be proud of your H3RP3$.
• No biggie about your car accident – revel in the fact that your leg had to be A/\/\PUT4T3D!
• Did last night's one-night stand leave you a little pregnant? Just go have an awesome 4B0RT!0N.
• Been hanging out in dirty hot tubs? It's okay – it's only a Y3A$T INPH3C7!0N.
• Is your TV remote broken? Don't be upset that it's stuck on the DI$N3Y CH4NN3L.
• Did you wake up with a fat hairy guy slapping you in the face with his penis? It's only 4V17ABL3!

In the year 2042 . . .

The Church of Brangelina will welcome its one hundred millionth member, as announced by High Priestess Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt.

In the year 2042 . . .

The largest Internet sensation will be 37-year old blogger Miss Emma, who will blog about her mother's descent into insanity caused by eating too many cheesecakes.

In the year 2042 . . .

Divorce rates among the gay population will reach an all-time high of 18%.

In the year 2042 . . .

NBC's newest reality show, So You Think You Can Outrun A Lion?, will win an Emmy.

In the year 2042 . . .

The Ke$ha/Lady Gaga/Madonna retirement tour will enter the last year of its 10-year run.

In the year 2042 . . .

At Berkeley, pro-cancer activists will protest the killing of cancer cells. They will be shot to death and the world will applaud.

In the year 2042 . . .

In a new tell-all book, former President Rush Limbaugh's illegitimate child will confess that his father "…loved women, prescription drugs, and eating human flesh, and not in that order."

In the year 2042 . . .

The most popular sitcom on the air will be ABC Family Channel's "Fuck you, you stupid cocksucker", a light-hearted show about a family that adopts a foul-mouthed robot.

In the year 2042 . . .

I'll still be paying off my Citibank bill:

Yesterday, a friend went home. After almost a year here, Hilly is driving back to California, another chapter in her life over.

A year or two ago, I argued that you can't learn something from everyone. I think I've grown a bit as a person since then, and I'm not ashamed to admit that maybe I was wrong. (Although, nobody tell her. She'll be insufferable.) I revise my earlier opinion to say that you should always be able to take something away from your interaction with any person. And Hilly's just not any person – she's a force to be reckoned with. I'm going to miss her, and I hope that the next leg of journey gives her some of the happiness and deep deep dicking towards which she's been striving. In the meantime, all I have to remember her are the things I've learned (well, that and all the household stuff she gave me and the mattress and box spring):

• The word "douche" is very versatile and can be used in any capacity. For example, you could say "That douchetastic douchey douchecock needs to go douche his motherdouchin' ass."
• When you have people who are important to you, you can love them without having to defend every thing they do.
• Life is America.
• It takes buckets of strength to live alone for the first time in many years without falling apart.
• Splash Mountain should be ridden over and over again.
• There is a right way and a wrong way to take a photo of yourself.
• The sound of a vibrator will bring your cat running.
• There's no such thing as too far to drive for a good sandwich.
• You can be almost 40 and have the heart and soul of a 20 year old.
• Everything in California is more awesome than anything in shitty Florida. (Except the economy and earthquakes, but shhhh. Oh, and of course, me and Britt and Faiqa.)
• You know it's funny when someone snorts.

While there are many positives to living alone – cleaning is easier, I'm the only one making a to-do list, no sharing the bed – there are plenty of disadvantages as well. And since this is the first time I've lived alone in 11 years, I'm now aware of the differences. For example:

• It's always your turn to do the dishes.
• You only have yourself to blame when there's something shitty playing on TV.
• When you hear a noise on the other side of the house, it may be a raccoon or a ghost.
• Do you know how hard it is to scratch yourself in that one spot on your back?
• Ninjas
• When you're sitting naked in your living room, watching TV and the doorbell rings, you're the only one getting the door.
• You can only play "Marco" in the pool, and it's not nearly as much fun.
• For the love of GOD, make sure you have toilet paper in the bathroom you're in.
• You have to tell yourself that you don't look fat in those jeans.
• It's either gremlins or you're just too fucking stupid to remember to put your keys in the same place every time.
• There's nobody to talk you out of buying that awesome thing you just saw on late night TV.
• That package of Oreos? You're going to end up eating all of them, by yourself, watching Lifetime.
• The only thing you're going to be snuggling with in bed is a Japanese love pillow.
• Laughing to yourself at the television has gone from cute to kind of creepy in a Unabomber way
• Your fashion disaster will go unnoticed until you actually go into public.
• It's a lot harder to be a secret crossdresser if you have to go out and buy your own lingerie!