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Desperate times call for desperate measures, so they say. Which is why I found myself today at church. It’s been so long, I expected a Monty-Pythonesque Finger of God to come out of the clouds and squash me like a bug before I could enter the building. No such luck.

God only knows the last time I went to confession. Oops, I mean reconciliation. I have enough material to cause a priest’s ears to spew smoke with the sound of a 1,000 pressure cookers going off at once.

But I need help, and something tells me God already knows all my shit, so I took a chance and went, anyway. Maybe 10 people were at Mass, whole thing lasted 20 minutes, which is like SpeedMass or something.

I got there about 10 minutes early, so I could reacquaint myself. See, God and I have a very tenuous relationship. My doing, not His. Like the story goes, I’ve been rather distant from God. God’s answer: “Well, guess who moved?” Yeah, that’d be me.

I don’t feel Him at all these days. Used to, a lot. Nowadays, I’m too busy being miserable to notice Him. I feel like God’s Punching Bag.

So I did the proper standing, kneeling, sitting, standing again things. Took the Eucharist and hoped for miraculous healing. Did my best to pray in my head (“God, I know it’s been a long time, but Holy Crap, do I need help so please do Your thing and erase all the bad shit in my head and make me feel better…”) but heard no response.

And when I walked out of the church and got back in my car, I felt no improvement…just the furnace heat that Florida is producing of late.  Then I heard this song come on my iPod:

Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

--- Thanks for reading! SecondHand Tryptophan

It's almost Christmas, and Santa has been checking his list, trying to see who's getting coal and who's not. It's also time to steal a page from Snackie's book, and open up the comments for HOLIDAY CONFESSIONS!

Did you ever steal someone's present? Have you regifted? Have you ever masturbated into the punch at the company party?

You can confess whatever holiday-related (or not) sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog – you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. If you want to leave your comment anonymously, make sure to change your email address, too, so that Gravatar doesn't pick up your avatar.

I'll start:

Confession #1: I have, on occasion, given presents to people that increased in value depending on how much I liked them.

Confession #2: One year, I, along with a few friends, roamed our neighborhood and the neighborhood next to ours and pulled out a few random bulbs on people's lights, causing all their lights to go out, stole candy canes or lighted bulbs that lined their walkways, and broke the floating lit up Christmas trees in the lake. I feel bad every time I think about it.

Confession #3: I figured out that there was no Santa when I was four, and I always delighted in the fact that my brother and sister took much, much longer to figure it out.

Confession #4: I would consider converting to Judaism just for the potato latkes.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!

As most of you know, I have my own church – The Church of Holy Avitableness.

We don't do mass. There's no collection plate. We don't have a church building. There are no vestments. I don't even have a Holy Book!

What we do have, though, is CONFESSION.

It's good for the soul. It's good for the heart. It's downright good for you.

And today on Avitable.com is Confession Day.

Today's comments are for confessions. You don't have to be specific. You can log out and confess as Anonymous. You can confess whatever sin you want, no matter how small or how momentous. Confess something that you'd never post on your own blog – you don't have to worry about your readers seeing it here. Confess something that you've just wanted to get off of your chest. Confess something that you don't really care about. You can make it a general confession about a sin, or you can make it a specific confession to a specific person who can remain nameless or be named.

It doesn't matter. Just confess.

I'll start:

Confession #1:

I totally stole this idea from Hilly.

Confession #2:

I once killed a koi pond full of fish by dumping gasoline in it, when I was a kid.

Confession #3:

I probably think I'm better than you.

Okay, it's your turn. Let's hear it!