So this is what it’s come to: I’m in bed, on the verge of passing out from exhaustion … but, like any obsessive-compulsive iPhone user worth his or her salt, I can’t just climb into bed and go to sleep. Oh no; first, I must check Twitter and email, for you never know when that [...]
I spent about two seconds looking for some kind of stock image I could use at the beginning of this post — an image that would spruce things up while simultaneously conveying the distress and chaos that have abounded in my life this past week — but I quickly realized that the extent to which [...]
Now that I’m officially unemployed, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want to do, whenever the hell I want to do it. That’s right, baby: you can’t hold me down. I’m as free as a bird … albeit a soon-to-be-homeless bird with two kids, a wife and a six-figure pile of debt [...]
OK, seriously: What’s with all the hubbub about high unemployment rates in this country? Because I’m still two business days away from separating with my soon-to-be-former employer, and already the job offers are coming at me faster than I can keep up with them. You jobless whiners out there must be a bunch of losers; [...]
Since learning last week that I had been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email:
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Hi Jon,
My name is [...]
From: Jon, a.k.a. Daddy Scratches
1 Way Too Expensive House
Chokingly Huge Mortgage, MA, 0MFG!
To: The Bank
Dear The Bank,
Listen, about that money I owe you? See, here’s the thing: I bought this house and all this other shit when I had, you know, a job.
Problem is, I found out a couple days ago that my job? [...]
Yes, yes, I know you’re all waiting with bated breath for the tale of our dream vacation in Mexico, but you’ll have to wait just a short while longer, for today is a momentous occasion.
No longer am I a 40-year-old man getting it on with a 30-something MILF. As of today, I’m shacking up with [...]
Remember that whole Balloon Boy thing? I discovered today that it apparently scarred me.
As I watched what we were all led to believe was a homemade weather balloon with a 5-year-old boy trapped inside of it — or, worse, a homemade weather balloon that may already have ejected and sent plunging to his death a [...]
Oh, the stress. The stress, I tell you. It’s very stressful, the stress, it is.
And I regret to inform you that the biggest source of my stress right now stems from a subject that currently is embargoed, so I can not yet speak of it here, but suffice to say that the stressor in question? [...]
So there I was, shortly after midnight Thursday, in the emergency room, eight or nine wires connecting my arms, legs and torso to an EKG machine so that the triage nurse could make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack. I was pretty sure I wasn’t, but, you know … there was all this really [...]
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