Anyone watching CNN on Saturday probably witnessed the pulse-pounding, nail-biting broadcast focused on a reef off of the coast of Hawaii, awaiting the destructive forces of a tsunami. Rarely has there been a broadcast so packed with intensity and urgency about such a life-altering issue of world concern. In fact, I can only think of the following several instances of breaking news that CNN covered as well as this one:

• President Obama's Shoes Untied, Trip and Fall Expected
• Will Spelling Bee Semi-Finalists Misspell a Word?
• The Exciting World of Pi to 10,000 Digits
• The Toyota Recall: Important Technical Jargon that You Must Know or You Might Die!
• The Cure For Cancer – We Watch Scientists Look at Things in Microscopes
• Records Being Broken: How Long Can One Man Stand Still and Will He Get into the Guinness Book?
• Words That Begin With A – Part 1 of a 26-Part Series
• Breaking News: Paint Drying

Thank you, CNN, for being our source for timely, pressing, breaking news!

Way back in March, I helped the ladies of Cosmo. Now I'm focusing my genius and years of experience on the poor saps who write letters to Dear Abby.

STEAMED IN VAN NUYS asks:

For 20 years I have gone to considerable thought and expense to carefully select nice holiday cards to send to a varied client base. I have tried to be considerate and sensitive to any cultural and religious differences.

It bothers me that a simple delivery of good wishes was met with such a resounding show of bad manners and ill will, and I see no point in continuing. My mother says I expect too much of people and that this will backfire. I'm past caring and have no more cheeks left to turn. I agreed to abide by your advice. What say you?

Avitable answers: STEAMED, winter holiday cards are so passe. Try sending cards for Arbor Day, Guy Fawkes Day, or Hitler's birthday, and that way you can connect with your clients and friends without offending any of them.

LOST FOR WORDS asks:

My 8-year-old granddaughter has posed a question that stumped me, and I hope you can help with an answer: Why be neat and well-groomed?

I am challenged by her question. How can I answer her?

Avitable answers: LOST, you tell her that unless she lives in 1974, nobody wants a huge mondo bush, and she should shave that pussy.

BREADWINNER asks:

I have been seeing a guy, "Casey," for three years. I have two children by another man, and Casey took them on as if they were his. They even call him "Daddy." I'm grateful I have someone who takes such good care of my kids. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

I want to stay with Casey, but now and then I also think I'd be better off if I left him. What can I do to make him understand that he needs to keep a job? Or, because I love him, should I stand beside him no matter what?

Avitable answers: BREADWINNER, maybe you should get off his fucking back, okay? Some men just need that freedom to move from job to job, and their self esteem is tied heavily into their identity as "Tattoo Artist" one week and "Discount Tire Salesman" the next.

Try this: next time he comes in and tells you he quit or got fired (but was totally going to quit anyway because they didn't treat him the way that he deserved to be treated) and brings home a giant TV or video game system that he bought with your money, instead of yelling at him about something as stupid as money and paying your bills, give him a big hug and say "You are my beautiful free spirit and I want you to fly free." And then blow him.

BLUSHING IN SAN FRANCISCO asks:

I am an 11-year-old girl who loves going shopping and doing various stuff with my mom. But when we go to the mall or stop for lunch and she hears a song she likes, she'll start singing to it. And if we're standing up, she even dances to it a little.

I have tried telling her to stop because she's embarrassing me, but all she says is, "No one is looking, honey." She also does it at home in front of my friends when I play my iPod. Any suggestions?

Avitable says: BLUSHING, you should be ashamed of yourself. When I was 11, my mother used to walk around the mall with me wearing nothing but pasties and a sequined thong. When she heard songs she liked, she'd find one of my friends, sit him down, and give him a lapdance. Four of my closest friends lost their virginity with my mom. At the same time!

Maybe you should appreciate that your mom likes music, but doesn't like it so much that it makes her lactate or orgasm loudly, because let me tell you, that's way more embarrassing. Gain some fucking perspective.

TRYING IN TEMPE asks:

A year ago, my boss was diagnosed with cancer. She had major surgery and a round of radiation therapy. Last week, her doctor discovered a mass, and after biopsy, she may be going in for more surgery.

We have received several newsletters at work from our insurance provider on how to prevent cancer, but she hasn't taken any of the advice. Abby, it's not like I have come right out and said, "It's your own fault," but it's frustrating to listen to her problems when she won't try to live a healthy lifestyle. She's generally whiny to begin with, and now she seems to want everyone to feel sorry for her.

Avitable says: TRYING, you are completely right. It's obviously all her fault!

Whether it's her failure to follow the guidelines that might have some benefit for her or maybe just karma from her being a shitty person, she obviously deserves to die from a terminal illness. I'd suggest shaking your head and chuckling at her every time you see her, and maybe sending her a card that says "Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don't have cancer, but you do." Fuck her!

On Tuesday, September 8th, at 12 PM EST, President Barack Obama will address our nation's students. Controversy has arisen over the President's audacity in scheduling this Presidential Address. "I ain't let a black man talk to mah kids since 2005 when the mailman delivered a certified letter saying we wuz being foreclosed on. He was a nigra, and look what happened. We done lost our house!" complains Debra Whitetrashia of Jonesboro, Arkansas. Her very rational complaint is being echoed by equally even-tempered, logical conservative families nationwide.

Concerned with the unknown and arbitrary message that our duly elected President could transmit to these children, Julie Lichtinass of Memphis, Tennessee, states, "I was watching the news one day with my sons Eli and Jonah when the reporter, a nice Oriental girl, interviewed witnesses to an accident. Before anyone could do anything, one of the witnesses used a vile swear word that neither of my children had ever heard before. They started asking me questions about the word and its associations and it was very uncomfortable. I don't think it should be allowed for just anybody to make a video that my children have to watch in their school. It's not American!"

Worry not, my brothers and sisters in the Resistance against Socialism and black people. At great risk to myself and my family, I have acquired the content of President Obama's address to our students, and to those of you who have decided that your child will stay home on Tuesday, I applaud you. By keeping your child from their education and delaying their learning by a day, you, madam or sir, are a true American hero.

PRESIDENTIAL "BACK TO SCHOOL" ADDRESS FOR STUDENTS:

Hi there kids! I'm President Barack Obama, but you can call me Barry. Or the One. Whatever works for you.

Anyways, I'm here today to talk to you about going back to school. I'm a huge proponent of our education system. In fact, without my degrees from Columbia and Harvard, I wouldn't be here at all, no matter how much bribing was done by the secret Muslim factions who support me and my inevitable destruction of America from within.

Attending school might sometimes seem boring or unnecessary, but if you're going to succeed in life, it can be a huge boon. Each of you has it in you to achieve greatness, unless you're a Caucasian in the middle class or higher – you have too much of an advantage, so I'm doing everything I can to oppress your rights, take away your money, destroy your investments, turn your children into homosexuals, and send you into abject poverty.

The rest of you, though? Your untapped potential is tremendous, and you should trust in your teachers to help you start to achieve that potential. Although, if you have any science teachers who don't understand what scientific theory is and teach creationism instead of evolution, please report them to the local police and we will have them reassigned, after a little re-education.

With the right education, you might become a lawyer. Who knows, your first big case could be a groundbreaking case where a man can marry the sheep he loves! Or you could become a doctor, where you could make as much as $10.50 per hour aborting babies under my new health care plan! No matter what career path you choose, rest assured that you will be supporting my amoral Socialist regime that will destroy the very fabric of the Christian faith while removing all vestiges of capitalism from this once great country of yours.

Look, let me be honest. In the end, it really doesn't matter if you go to school. If you do well and graduate and get additional education, I'll just set salary limits that won't let you get paid what you deserve. If you don't do well and drop out and get a dead end job or just do drugs, I'll provide you with so much public assistance that you'll make more money and live a more fulfilling life than those who got a degree. And if you're here illegally? No tienes aprender Ingles! That is the American dream, and as a Democrat, it's the dream that I'm blood sworn to protect. No really – it's a real blood oath. We have wiccans in our party who can really fuck your shit up.

Thank you, and God bless the Great White Satan America.

A post over at Mental Floss (great site and great magazine, by the way) listed 6 baby names that you probably shouldn't use, including Batman, Eclipse Glasses, and Adolf.

I thought I'd add to this helpful advice for the mother- and father-to-be and list off some more names that you really shouldn't use for your newborn's name.

• Bruise Punchface
• Heyyoulittlefucker
• Phagit
• Underwear
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• Hubert
• Eunice
• Fishysmell Tunapants
• Soup, although Boyardee is perfectly acceptable
• Lemonjello, Orangejello, or anything else you can get from your pantry (eg Browniemix)
• Moist
• iPod
• Scout
• Glasgow, Baghdad, or Moscow
• Flanders

And just in case I just picked all of the names you were just thinking about choosing, here are some names that are not only acceptable, they're kick ass!

• Optimus Prime
• Kal El (yes, I know, don't tell me that Nic Cage named his kid that. I'm not a fucking moron.)
• Killer
• Thor
• Deus Ex
• Max Power
• Cheetara
• Einstein

Go forth. Be fruitful. Multiply. And don't come up with a douchey name for your kid, okay?

In other Avita-news, we need your vacation photos! Not just any photos, though. We need specific vacation photos that show you and/or your family standing in front of something. Whether it's Niagara Falls, the world's largest ball of twine, or just some picturesque scenery, we need photos! If you send in a photo of you, with or without your family, standing in front of touristy shit, we will use that photo as part of the decorations for the huge 2009 Halloween Party! Just email me at adam (at) avitable (dot) com with the photo as an attachment, or use the form below. You don't have to be attending to participate, and the more people who submit, the more fun it will be!

Send me your vacation photo below. This is not the form to leave a comment, my delicately retarded friends.

This is not the comment form. Scroll down to leave a comment. This form above is ONLY if you want to submit a vacation photo for the party.

With so much disinformation out there about President Obama's plan to reform the current health care system in America, I thought it was important to help clear the air. Much like I did when the swine flu hysteria hit the world, I've decided to take some important questions about the topic of health care reform, asked by Americans of President Barack Obama, and answer them in layman's terms:

Q: If this health care reform is so great, why did Congress vote to exempt themselves from said reform?

A: This is a myth. Congress has never voted to exempt themselves from any legislature that was foisted upon the unsuspecting American public. Except for income taxes, mandatory retirement, no parking in handicapped spots, Ticketmaster processing fees, mandatory gratuities of parties of six or more, removal of those tags from the underneath of mattresses, no sex in the champagne room, and health care reform.

Q: Are illegal immigrants covered under the plan?

A: Yes. And not only are they covered, but they get a super secret plan that will get them in to see doctors faster than you, plus they'll take the jobs of good hardworking Americans too.

Q: Won't government involvement in health care limit choices for the public?

A: Don't you think we have too many choices already? When visitors from Eastern Europe come to our country and visit the grocery store, many of them are struck deaf and blind instantly just from all of the choices they have. They're not used to having fourteen different types of bread from which to choose. All of these choices just make us pickier and whinier as a people. Shouldn't we just appreciate the loaf of bread that we have, not whine about it not being whole grain or unmoldy? Government involvement in health care will help us as Americans to appreciate the few choices that we can make. And that makes us stronger.

Q: Will health care reform empower a panel to decide end-of-life care for Americans?

A: No, this is a complete fabrication. There is no panel. It's more like a consortium.

Q: How will health insurance reform affect Native Americans?

A: Adhering to our long history of treating Native Americans with the utmost respect, dignity, and honesty, we will be providing all tribal members with H1N1 vaccinations that will actually infect them with a new deadlier strain of H1N1, and then we'll punch them in the crotch and run away with all of their jewelry.

Q: Will children with disabilities be turned down for the health care that they need?

A: Absolutely not. Children with disabilities will be able to receive all of the treatment that they need. Of course, a panel composed of an atheist, an unemployed stockbroker, two psychics, an illegal immigrant from Mexico and Osama Bin Laden will be convened to define the word "need" and to identify the criteria that disabled children must meet before receiving treatment.

Q: Is it true that health care reform would encourage or even require euthanasia for senior citizens?

A: This is not true – it is a distortion by a malicious disinformation campaign. This health care reform will not encourage euthanasia for senior citizens at all. In fact, it will actually focus a large amount of research efforts to discover the secret to eternal life! This research will enrich all of our lives and all it will require is the self-sacrifice of anyone over the age of 65. For research purposes, you see.

Q: What will happen to the health care for our veterans?

A: Quite simply, it will continue operating at the high level of quality with which it has been operating for decades.

Q: Will health insurance reform force me out of my current insurance plan or force me to change doctors?

A: Not at all. In fact, the reform will encourage you to stay with your doctor indefinitely. Even if you don't like your physician, you will be strongly guided towards remaining with him or her for the remainder of your natural life. If you do decide that you absolutely must change physicians, you will have an entire directory to choose from. And each time you change physicians, only one of your family members to be shocked with 20,000 volts! The rest of your family members will be perfectly fine unless you can't make up your stupid mind.

Q: Would insurers be required to provide preventative care, like mammograms, free of charge?

A: No, but if your creepy cousin Ralph offers a free mammogram, by all means, take him up on it.

Hopefully this has helped to alleviate your concerns about the health care reform that will be happening in our country. If you have any additional questions about the health care reform plan, contact your Congressman, State Representative, local hot dog vendor, barber, taxi driver, Rush Limbaugh, or any other random person with an uneducated, uninformed opinion.

By the age of 25:

Orson Welles had coscripted, directed, and starred in Citizen Kane.

Charlie Chaplin had appeared in 35 films.

Janis Joplin had grossed over a million dollars with her first hit.

Charles Lindbergh flew alone across the Atlantic Ocean.

Joseph Smith founded the Mormons.

John Singleton had directed "Boyz 'N the Hood."

Jack Nicklaus had won the Masters.

Mark Spitz had won 7 Olympic gold medals.

Steven Jobs had co-founded Apple Computer.

Mary Shelley had written Frankenstein.

Each of these accomplishments pales in the face of the accomplishment of Sheila, who turns 25 years old today. Founding a religion, writing a book, earning a ton of money or medals – none of these accomplishments can hold a candle to her crowning achievement. By the age of 25, Sheila was friends with Adam Avitable. And that is obviously the zenith of her life. There's no topping it. It's all downhill from here. Next she'll be 30, then 50, then 75, then dead.

So go wish her a happy birthday while there's still time and it's still happy. Happy birthday, Sheila!

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