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I watch a shitload of television. And since watching last night's series finale of LOST, I've been thinking about series finales of the shows I loved. Unless I'm missing one, every single show that ended on its own terms presented me with a finale that I appreciated and, in most situations, loved.

By specifying shows that ended on their own terms, I am eliminating shows that were canceled or changed without a chance to properly finish the story they told, like Pushing Daisies, Dead Like Me, Veronica Mars, Gilmore Girls, Firefly, and The 4400.

Let's examine a few of these series finales:

Seinfeld: What better way to end a show about four narcissistic, selfish assholes than to have them spend a year in prison for violating a Good Samaritan law? It brought back nine years worth of characters, revisited favorite episodes and moments, and demonstrated the foursome's complete inability to learn a lesson from anything, remaining focused on the minutiae even to the end.
Rating: A-

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Defeat the First Evil, close the Sunnydale Hellmouth, lose a few friends, make some new ones, and empower thousands of women worldwide with slayer abilities, all while infusing humor with tear-inducing drama.
Rating: A+

The Sopranos: The fade to black in an episode filled with deaths of many of the major characters, right as the Soprano family enjoyed what may be the last meal they ever ate, was not the most popular finale, although I found it pretty satisfying. Who cares if they were about to be gunned down. This show was not a glorification of the mob – in my opinion, it showed that even monsters have worries and dreams and concerns, but it doesn't stop them from still being monsters.
Rating: B

LOST: Last night, after the finale aired, I saw someone tweet "What, so I just spent six years watching dead people?" No, you didn't. They did not die when the plane crashed. You apparently missed the entire point of the show and the finale. These were people who were lost in their own lives, and they were brought together by this mystical island to grow, heal, and mature. It was the most important time in their lives. Granted, some of their lives ended on the island, but many of them found their purpose first. The "sideways world", which should now be considered more of a "purgatory world", was not taking place simultaneously with the real world. It was a post-mortem utopia that drew all of them back together one last time before they moved on, because they needed each other in order to continue into the light. I loved it.
Rating: A+

When you watch characters for several years, I think it's natural to have this sense of personal investment, which leads to a feeling that the creators owe you something. They don't. They have their own story to tell, and it's important to trust them to tell you the story the way that they want to. LOST is a good example of this – this last season answered all of the major questions, but lingering questions don't matter to the story that the creators want to tell. It's likely that if crafted well enough, the story itself gave you enough context to answer any question you want if you think about it enough. In the end, though, be entertained and enjoy what they've created for you.

Every year, adult film companies come up with oh-so clever porn films that have titles very similar to blockbuster films out at that moment. Some examples of this marketing genius would be Good Will Humping, Bareback Mountain, and Pump Friction.

I've decided to give the adult film industry some help by coming up with the names to use for their upcoming adult films. And while nothing I can come up with will be close to 30 Rock's "Fresh-Ass, Based on the Novel Tush, by Ass-Phire", I shall certainly endeavor to do my best:

• Hercock Bones: Watch she-male Hercock Bones solve crimes while declaring "It's analmentary, my dear Cockson."
• Assatar: What's better than lots of buttsex? Lots of BLUE buttsex!
• Star Taint: For Captain Jessica Tits Krack, the key to saving the galaxy may be in that spot between that taint her vagina and taint her asshole.
• (500) Dates of Some Whore: One woman, 500 men, and a loose vagina.
• The Fantastic Mr. Cocks: In order to combat the evil women farmers Bongos, Peen and Cunts, Mr. Cocks must use his every wit and his 12-inch monster cock.
• Sperminator Salivation: The evil computer system Skytit has developed an unkillable fuck machine to wipe out all humans – well, the males, at least.
• GI Ho: The Rise of Boobra: Can this team of men culled from the world's best branches beat Boobra? Will they be fast enough, hard enough, and thick enough?
• Fast and Bi-curious: A team of drag racing men, all former convicts, band together to race through Los Angeles and explore each other's taut, muscular bodies. Starring Vin Diesel.
• The Sucking of Pell's Ham 1 2 3: The NYC subway system hosts this subway car orgy.
• Jennifer's Body: A newly possessed cheerleader, played by Megan Fox, turns into a killer who specializes in offing her male classmates.

Iron Man 2, quite obviously the sequel to Sherlock Holmes, is fun, smart, and fast paced. Robert Downey, Jr., plays the titular character and his alter-ego, Tony Stark, with the same aplomb and swagger, tinged with a bit of newly discovered resignation and sadness. This film is about legacy, and it does a good job of showing how both the protagonist and his antagonist view their own individual legacies. While not quite as light-hearted as the first film, Iron Man 2 is an excellent middle chapter in a superb trilogy.

The Good: Tony Stark's chemistry with Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts. Jon Favreau's Happy. ScarJo's Natasha Romanov and her kick ass martial arts moves. Mickey Rourke's Ivan Janko. Sam Rockwell's Justin Hammer. Don Cheadle's Rhodey. The action scenes. The fight scenes. The inside jokes. The fast dialogue that wasn't dumbed down.

The Bad: Paul Bettany's Jarvis is a little too human and acted as too much of a narrator at times. Samuel L. Jackson's Nick Fury is kind of annoying, and I fear for The Avengers if he can't tone down the cheesy "Snakes on a Motherfuckin' Plane" attitude. I hope his role is minimal in that film. The climax felt a little subdued. A few of the jokes were a little too referential to the first movie, unnecessarily.

The Ugly: Garry Shandling. Man, has he just gotten uglier in his old age or is it me?

I give it three and a half out of four War Machines.

The movie "Kick Ass" is a darkly comedic violent look at what would happen if someone with no skills and no superpowers put on a costume and tried to fight crime. It's directed by the excellent director behind "Layer Cake", Matthew Vaughn. It's sharp, funny, and a lot of fun. And if you haven't read the comic, you'll really enjoy it (if this type of movie is your bag).

If you have read the comic, though, be prepared. It's not as nihilistic. It's not as dark. It's not as realistic. And it's not as emotionally weighted. Independent of each other, they're both excellent stories, but it's difficult not to compare the two, and that comparison leaves the movie woefully lacking.

I wish I could have seen the movie first and read the book second. The acting, timing, and story were all above reproach (especially Nicolas Cage's vigilante). When it comes out next Friday, go see it. Bring a friend. Because movies like this deserve to get support and deserve to kick ass at the box office, regardless of how much I wanted it to be exactly like the comic.

I give it three and a half bloody butterfly knives out of five.

God help me, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but the new A-team movie looks like a lot of fun.

I know this went live a few days ago, but it is pretty exciting! And fucking Team Jacob all the way!

I'm not sure what to say about this movie. I'll start with the visuals. It was beautiful. A perfect Tim Burton world, realized down to every little detail. I could watch full scenes without paying attention to the dialogue and just enjoy how damn pretty it looked, all with its own skewed twist.

The story, however, needed a lot of work. It was written like someone read Lewis Carroll's work, pulled out some key phrases, and tried to write a script around them. It didn't have the feel of Carroll, of his illogical logic and random strangeness. Rather than expand on the universe, using the same rules set forth by Carroll, it was a poorly made Xerox of Wonderland, with some smudges right where the important parts were.

I don't know what genius decided to name this "Alice in Wonderland" but make a Hook-like return to Wonderland. I don't know why anyone thought that watching Tim Burton work his mad genius on the original works would be a poor idea. I don't know why this movie existed other than to give Johnny Depp a ridiculous Scottish accent and a bigger role than he really needed.

I liked it, but it should have been named something different. And the dialogue should have been rewritten by someone with a brain. And the gorgeous actress who played Alice, Mia Wasikowska, should have done some full frontal nudity.

I give it three out of five vorpal blades.

(And for those of you who haven't read the original works, the poem I posted yesterday is verbatim from Carroll's works.)

Last night, I went to see "Edge of Darkness", Mel Gibson's first movie in eight years. I know many people who won't go watch him because of his drunken anti-Semitic tirade a few years ago, but I watch movies to see actors act. I don't have to like their personal views.

Edge of Darkness is a dark look at a cop who loses his only daughter. He is widowed, we presume, because there's no mention of his wife and her mother in the entire film. In the end, he has nothing left to live for, and he's determined that those responsible will pay. It's not as gritty as "Man on Fire" or "Payback", but it's not as slick as "Ransom", either. The tone is bleak but sometimes resorts to just enough bloody splashes of violence to change it up. Martin Campbell, who also directed "Casino Royale", which is one of the best Bond films to date, kept the story tight. With the exception of a few unnecessary moments of exposition that I can only imagine are put in there for audiences who can't understand the Boston accents being thrown around (It gets a bit thick sometimes!), it's a good movie. A little predictable and a little derivative, but I enjoyed seeing Mel Gibson in a role that he fits into like a glove.

I give it three out of five Sugartits.

As you probably know, the Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, and there were a few pleasant additions, like Inglourious Basterds and District 9. With the Academy changing the rules and having 10 nominees for Best Picture, it seems like the Oscars have had a bit of an upheaval. But did you know that there are secret categories that they don't announce or televise? Here are just a few, along with the current frontrunner for each category:

Best Toy Line Turned Into a Movie: GI Joe
Worst Toy Line Turned Into a Movie: The Bratz Movie

Best Naked Blue Man: Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen
(Honorable Mention: Jakesully, Avatar)

Best Mall Cop Movie: Observe and Report

Coolest Nazi Ever: Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds

Douchiest Movie Scene: "Robot Heaven", Transformers 2

Best Ryan Reynolds Role: The Proposal
Worst Ryan Reynolds Role: Wolverine

Best Title That Should be a Porn: The Lovely Bones

Best Use of Ryan from The Office: Inglourious Basterds

Worst Movie of the Year: Post Grad (oh, Rory)