blogclubformen.com

Just got home from Mom’s follow-up doctor appointment. Y’know, from the Broken Kneecap Debacle of 2010? Today was her last scheduled day of physical therapy. She’s gone from a 65-degree flex on that knee to just over 90 degrees. It’s been just over 3 months since this thing started.

She’s been driving (back roads, since highway driving with the constant acceleration hurts), she even went to the grocery store yesterday…first time since her accident. She’s cooking, too – thank God, because my culinary skills are roughly the same ones owned by 7-year-olds.

Long story short: Six more weeks of physical therapy to increase her flexibility and strength. She can return to work almost immediately. And another doctor visit in two months’ time.

Her going back to work is a good thing. It’s been a long three months and Mom has had more than her share of stir crazy. The BITCH about her going back to work now is that I’m the one that’s gonna have to chauffeur her around to work and back every day. See, she works off the highway, so…I’m kinda screwed, especially since her workday starts around 8am.

Ugh. Can’t wait till she can fully drive again.

Me? Meh. Depression still bares its vampire fangs my way, so much so that getting out of bed is just a couple clicks shy of more than I can do. It’s probably a good thing I have another video-conference with my shrink this afternoon.

The Abilify isn’t cutting it; not at the current dosage, anyway. The prazosin, a blood pressure med which has an off-label use for ridding people of nightmares, may be working. I rarely remember my dreams, but can’t recall any nightmares of late. Typically, with nightmares I’ll wake up in a sweat at 3 or 4 in the morning. Been a while since that happened.

What I have noticed is more energy, to the tune of cutting into “productive” nap time. I wish energy = motivation, but it doesn’t. I need something for mood. Or something that will excise drama from my life. Both, preferably.

I understand how my shrink is approaching my case. We don’t want to start me on multiple things at one time. That’d make it difficult to ascertain what medicines are doing what.

But as I mentioned in my last post, my super powers do not include waiting. I want to feel better…not yesterday, TODAY. Hell, I’d just about prefer a manic phase right now. Relief, any relief, would be welcome.

The trial-and-error shit associated with finding the right Magic Cocktail is not fun, nor fast enough for my liking. I know the universe doesn’t give a fuck, but I’m tired of uttering the mantra: “It has to get better, it has to get better, it has to get better.” Repeat ad nauseum.

It does, though. Right?

a

Had my first ever videoconference with a shrink today. First ever videoconference, ever, actually. Went pretty well.

The Matrix Therapist had sent the doc the list of meds I’d brought in for her to look at…the ones I was taking 10 years ago, the ones that actually were doing something. And the shrink actually looked that shit over BEFORE we met.

Pretty cool setup, and I had about 40 minutes of her time, which was also cool. We’re stopping the Geodon, even though I’m only taking a third of the max dosage. Gonna try Abilify again.

It’s important to note that the one and only time I’ve had an adverse reaction to a medication – and I’ve been on a LOT of meds – was with Abilify. I fainted. After ONE dose.

But.

I now suspect that the fainting (and it was years ago, after I was first diagnosed as bipolar) was a low blood-sugar event. So we are gonna try it again, because I’ve heard really good things about Abilify. Plus, it doesn’t have a sedating effect, which Geodon is known to have at higher dosages. I want to be calm and relaxed, but I don’t want to feel sleepy all the time. Fuck that.

First, as I mentioned already, we’re gonna have to ween me off the Geodon. That’ll take only about 10 days or so to do, and I don’t look forward to being without something in my system for that long, even if I don’t think it’s doing anything. Could takes weeks or (God help me) months for Abilify to gain full efficacy. Not looking forward to that, either, especially since it’s hard to maintain hope. So many drugs do nothing for me.

We’re also going to try a new med for the nightmares. She asked me if I’d ever taken anything for them, and I said, “Like what? Name a drug and I’ll tell you if I’ve tried it.” She did, and I hadn’t. No one has EVER suggested a med to specifically target the nightmares. I didn’t even think to ASK for such a thing.

The nightmares, ugh. I won’t even get into detail about them here. Some of them are really horrific. The most common theme is I’m being chased by baddies, sometimes monsters that make “Nightmare Before Christmas” and “Hellboy” monsters look warm and fuzzy, sometimes it’s people. Always within arm’s reach, constantly grabbing at my shirt, just touching the back of my neck. And I’m not a runner, people. Hell, I consider walking to my car exercise. But I run like a mutherfucker in my nightmares. Trust me, you would, too.

I’ve woken myself up falling on the floor on multiple occasions, and it’s always when I’m kicking at the blankets on my feet, thinking they’re monsters trying to grab me. Hit my head on the nightstand more than once falling out of bed. Plus, the sleepwalking…I’ve done that, too. So the suggestion of Ambien today didn’t go over well with me. Never tried it, but I don’t need to be DRIVING in my sleep, and that’s not unheard of on Ambien. I’m not about to start hiding my car keys from my own damn self.

I was told during my very first psychiatrist meeting – back in the mid 90’s – that the average person has one nightmare a year. ONE. That is alarming to me, still. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I just know that it’s nowhere CLOSE to my reality.

I have 2 or 3 a week, minimum. The prospect of meds that can help with that? It’s too much too hope for, honestly. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to be really let down. And I suspect I’m going to be really let down.

So…weening off the Geodon. Starting Abilify after that, which should arrive in the mail with the nightmare vanquishing med. Can’t remember the name of that one right now.

I took notes during our videoconference. I like this doc. She’s good. She listens, she offers advice, she explains things well without being condescending. She’s proactive. She doesn’t think Adderall is a good fit for me, even though I clearly remember it working well. And I’m willing to listen to her, and believe her.

I just don’t know if I have the patience for this go-round of Karl’s Medication Olympic Trials. I say that every time, and I mean it every time, but this time it REALLY feels true. Coming off the tail-end of a strong manic phase only serves to give me sharp contrast between mania and my usual depressive state. And it hurts. A lot.

But I’m a survivor, right?

Speaking of which, a big happy anniversary to Violence Unsilenced. Maggie celebrates a year today, as do the many people that have broken the silence. She is doing great work over there. Go show some love, eh?

a

I’m slacking. I feel it. Losing my momentum is not a feeling I like. The mania has subsided. My brain is much calmer (and dumber), though that’s relative. It’s still busier than most people’s, I get that. But compared to the manic shit? It’s like my brain finally said no to steroids or something.

Tomorrow I have my first real session with the new shrink, via videoconference. Amazing the V.A. even knows such technology exists, but I’m not bitching. If it weren’t for the video thing, I’d have to drive 90 minutes to meet up with her.

I’m not slamming the V.A. in any way. I’ve heard horror stories, but to be fair, I’ve not experienced many problems with the care I’ve received. And I’m very thankful for that. I don’t have regular health care. The jobs I’ve had of late are contracting positions. No bennies provided. Sure, once upon a time, when I got $43/hour for my time, I could afford it. But not now.

I’m already impressed with this new shrink of mine. She called me a few weeks ago, unsolicited, just to check on me and my meds. On a Friday. At 5:15 in the afternoon. That speaks volumes to me.

So we’ll be discussing meds, mostly that the current regime isn’t doing shit. We stepped up the Geodon. I’m now taking twice as much as I was a few weeks ago and…nothing. That’s the bitch with being treatment-resistant. Lots of meds don’t touch me, then there are those that require a much higher dose than what others find effective.

The trial-and-error associated with medication is exhausting and nerve-wracking. I’m far from the most patient man on Earth, and adjusting meds (and trying new ones) pretty much requires patience, and lots of it. That’s how it is, particularly with the meds designed to hit your brain instead of just your body. They take WEEKS to build up efficacy in the body. And if they don’t work, many of them take weeks to get OUT of your body, which is sometimes needed before adding something NEW.

For me, I’ve pretty much always required a Magic Cocktail, a mix of different meds. I wish like hell that there was a pill that did it all, but there’s not. My chemistry is different than yours, which is different than everyone else’s. So, yeah, trial-and-error. With all the technology we have today, that’s still the way it works. I long for the days of Star Trek, when they scan you with a Tricorder and have you fixed up with a simple shot.

I read an interesting article last month about a pretty major discovery regarding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (and yeah, I’ve got that, too). They’ve found a way to definitively diagnose PTSD using pictures of the brain. Remarkable, since the only way to diagnose before was through a series of questionnaires and a laundry list of symptomology.

Unfortunately, this discovery probably won’t lead to helping ME…not for a long time. Not until they can point to a brain scan and say, “Ah, see that squiggle there in Karl’s hippocampus? We need to give him Miracle Drug Alpha for that.” Until they know how to correspond the brain pics with specific forms of treatment? Not gonna do much for me. But it’s hopeful for future PTSD’ers, and I’ll take that.

I started out talking about me losing momentum, and that’s really what I’m feeling right now. A lot of hopelessness, lack of motivation, simply losing my give-a-shit attitude. Depression. An overwhelming sense of, well, being overwhelmed. Yes, I’m still checking my sugar and taking my meds, but I really don’t care about it.

I knew this was going to come, the return to the old me. Trying to find some shrivel of happiness in this mode is daunting, at the very least. I can’t survive in full-blown mania all the time – I’d die from sheer exhaustion, from insanity. But I wish I had a way to harness the motivation, the good attitude, the Happy.

Think I’m treatment-resistant in the attitude department, too.

For now, I’ll just take what little pieces of enjoyment I can get. I like the winter Olympics (tons more than the summer Olympics), even though I’m not a sports guy. I never watch baseball, or football, or basketball, or hockey. None of it. That shit bores me to tears. But the Olympics has something for everyone. Plus, it’s only two weeks long. I’m in, I’m out, I’m done for another 4 years. My fave events, by the way, are figure skating, snowboarding, and the skiing…none of which I’ve ever tried.

I also found some meditation podcasts, thanks to Angel. A friend has offered to help me with meditation – something I’ve never tried before – and I plan to take her up on that offer. But the podcast I listened to yesterday really helped to calm me down. I like that. I say I’ve never tried meditation, but the truth is I’ve probably achieved that “nothingness” mindset on my own many times. I may be wrong, but all the dissociating I’ve done in my life kind of mirrors that calming void sensation in meditation. I suppose there are positives to being a Survivor, after all.

I’m gearing up for 2HT’s redesign, and I am excited about that. Should be happening within the next month or so. My original launch date was going to be April Fool’s Day (seems appropriate), which also happens to be both my Mom’s AND my twin daughters’ birthdays. But it’s going to be sooner than that. Can’t wait to see it all come together.

I’d really like a dog. I think that’d do wonders for me. Mom hasn’t been so keen on getting a pet, though. Her rationale has always been, “If you can’t keep your room clean, how are you going to take care of a dog or a cat?” My rationale has always been, “Those two things aren’t even closely related.”

And yes, I’m 43 and live with my mother. I’m also depressed, anxious as Monk, and unemployed. Put me on “The Bachelor” now, ladies. I’m available. *cough*

Like my brain, this post is all over the board. I’m tired of that, too.

a